FUP Celebrity Death Match
Most people (guys typically) have a bit of curiosity about who would win in a battle between two relatively evenly matched opponents. The most common being the battle between comic book characters (Superman vs. the Incredible Hulk, or whomever else Superman would destroy), but the battle between sports teams (the 1978 Pittsburgh Steelers vs. the 2004 New England Patriots), cars (Ford Mustang vs. Dodge Charger), or even the battle between sports heroes (Michael Jordan vs. Wayne Gretzkey) are common, too. In its 25 years of existence, MTV has done a few things right. One of those, aside from actually showing music videos and introducing the world to Bevis & Butthead and Ren & Stimpy, was the program “Celebrity Death Match”. I loved that show (for the few years that I had cable AND knew when it was on AND had time to watch it). I will admit right now that I didn’t know they made six full seasons for a total of 103 episodes through to March of 2007. Despite that, there is STILL a wealth of knock down, drag ‘em out, death match fodder. And they don’t have to be celebrities either. In my dualistic mind, I find that I’m coming up with excellent death match cards all the time. The most recent one is Larry Flynt versus Dr. Stephen Hawking. This one could be billed as “exploding stars battle p0rn stars” (thank you Cameraman Mike for that one!). Of course, we all know that R2-D2 would dash into the ring, tossing a foreign object to Dr. Hawking to swing the tide of the match. But would Larry Flynt call out a hoard of drone whores? The episode just writes itself.
How about the Burger King vs. Ronald McDonald? That would be a dirty fight, but we all know how it would end: Jared from Subway would drown them both in “special sauce”.
One of the real episodes featured a battle between the Three Stooges and the Three Tenors. Entertaining, although I firmly believe a better match-up would be the Three Stooges vs. the Three Marx Brothers (Groucho, Harpo, and Chico). I can picture it now: every time Curly would hit Harpo, Harpo would honk his horn. Moe would poke Grouch in the eyes, and Groucho would retaliate by burning Moe with his cigar. And we all know that Chico and Larry would be sitting in the corner putting down shots of Scotch and playing cards because they were the “unpopular” characters. Out of nowhere, Shemp would try to crash the ring to sway the momentum to the Stooges, but he would be tackled by Zeppo, the truly forgotten Marx.
Another match would steal the lightsaber concept from Star Wars and apply it to a guitar dual. It would feature Joe Satriani vs. John5 (or Buckethead or Steve Vai or Slash or any other guitar slinger). The guitars would project the lightsaber, and as they’re running around jamming, the sabers are crashing and slashing. Someone would lose by breaking a string.
And speaking of Slash: Scott Wieland vs. Axl Rose. Those are two people who apparently don’t like singing in front of Slash. Again, the ending is clear – Slash pulls out his Les Paul, strikes a fat, open E chord, and both of their heads explode. Yeah, that would be a rather satisfying ending.
What Celebrity or Non-Celebrity Death Match would you want to see?
Drink more!!!
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