Ask DaVe: Farting Coworker?
Henry from Daven Port, IA asks, “DaVe, I have a coworker that sits next to me that is constantly farting. What should I do?”
Well Henry, I’m glad you asked this question. I am an expert and have years of experience on this topic. I am regularly the offender and the offended in this situation. I’ve even done some crop dusting in my day.
What I have discovered is most people in a work environment will actually just put up with the rude and offensive smells of their coworkers. Occasionally they will bring this issue to their manager’s attention and then an “uncomfortable exchange” between the manager and the fart usually takes place.
I personally recommend taking a more overt and active response to this situation. Here are some things to try the next time your coworker rips one off:
- Bring to work the cork from a spent champagne bottle. Offer it to them and say “Dude, Seriously…” or “If you don’t, I will!”
- Offer the offender a candle. Tell them to light the end and insert into their anal sphincter. The melting wax will seal in the nastiness and anything that escapes will be burned off by the flame.
- Play Fart-Tennis! One person says “Service” then rips off an audible fart. The opposing player then has 60 seconds to return fire with their own audible fart. You go back and forth until someone cannot produce a sound in the allotted amount of time. The farts have to be audible or they don’t count.
- Spray Lysol directly on the offenders ass. (To be honest, original Lysol smells worse that most farts)
- Guess what you coworker had to eat based on the bouquet of the eruption. For example… “Did you had a rotten grilled cheese sandwich dipped in oyster and butter sauce?” Keep guessing until you get it right (or until they threaten you).
- Return fire and actually fart on the arm or shoulder of the offending coworker. The technique is best if you are standing while they are sitting at a computer. You gotta be quick about it.
Draw caricature and cartoon pictures of your coworker farting on post-it notes. Attach them to their computer monitor while they are away from their desk.- Name the farts of your coworker. There are some examples at fartnames.com or you can come up with your own.
- Judge them like they are participating in an Olympic judged competition. Scare them on length , smell and sound of the toot.
- Make an over-the-top reaction. Grab your throat, clutch your chest, gasp for air, fall on the floor and play dead.
Farting is a natural bodily function that occurs to most people about two dozen times a day whether they know it or not. Ultimately, you have three choices – ignore it, get upset about it or have fun with it. The choice is up to you.
How would you handle a farting coworker?
I would have a hearty bowl (or two) of a high-fiber cereal right before bed. All of that overnight fermentation builds up quite the ammo depot for next-day revenge farting. (Granola and Cheerios are my favs. Ask me how I know!)
I keep a can of apple-cinnamon air freshener at my desk. Once the fart hits the air it's destroyed immediately. I also once found a place in NE Ohio that offers colonic irrigation; I called the place, set up an appointment using my coworkers name and info (used his work phone number). The day before his "appointment" he received the pre-visit call…everyone heard it on speaker phone… needless to say he was pissed but got the message
I would have a hearty bowl (or two) of a high-fiber cereal right before bed. All of that overnight fermentation builds up quite the ammo depot for next-day revenge farting. (Granola and Cheerios are my favs. Ask me how I know!)