Well, Mustache March has once again come and gone. It was a fun year. For those of you that know me personally, you’ll know that my upper lip ended up rather naked. Do to unforeseen circumstances, my mustache needed to be removed much earlier than I would have liked. Despite my situation, I know quite a few people that participated this year. If you want to send in pictures of your stache, we will happily share them with the world.
Paul from Cincinnati OH asks, “How much money would it take for you to stand on stage in front of an audience (500+ people) and spank one out (masturbate to orgasm)?”
Well Paul, I am usually grateful for submitted questions. However to date, this is quite possibly the most revolting question I have ever received. It is the worst because it has forced me to actually consider the answer. *shudder* But, the “Ask DaVe:” credo is “If you ask it; DaVe will answer it!”
Nudity on Stage is nothing new. The Greeks performed many of their comedies and tragedies in the nude. Shakespeare’s Mid Summer Night’s Dream often includes nude tree spirits. The 70’s broadways show Hair had naked actors on stage. There was the movie and Broadway play, The Full Monty. Recently, the play Equus included the Harry Potter star, Daniel Radcliffe, naked on stage. That being the case, masturbation onstage is typically reserved for sex show in the red light district of Amsterdam or San Francisco or anywhere in Japan.
As Reality TV degrades to the lowest common denominator, I wonder how long before this concept is an actually game show. NBC’s latest Prime Time Game Show, “Minute To Win It”, has people performing a series of random stunts in a minute’s time. I would shit myself laughing if I saw Host Guy Fieri say, “Congratulations! You did awesome on that thing with the ping pong balls and pencils. For your next challenge, you have one minute to rub one out. GO!!!”
As I started to consider my answer, I began to wonder ‘what are the parameters of this contract?’ Could I wear a mask? Could I have an assistant? Does anyone in the audience know me personally? Could I use props?
If no one in the audience knew who I was AND I have an attractive woman willingly involved in the “production” (even if she was just watching)… I might do it for free and call it “performance art”. But I’m just Fup Duck.
If there was no hot assistant, but I could wear a mask… maybe $500. I figure stay anonymous and get paid for something I’ll probably end up doing anyways. What the hey!
No mask… just me alone in all my glory… $1,000,000, but there needs to be a sign that says “He’s doing this for a million dollars, please cheer him on.” Hell, at this point film it and bring out Guy Fieri and his two hot models (or Howie Mandel and his 26 hot models). By the way, that is $1 Million after taxes; even naked the government would want to put their hand in my pocket.
If you take away all of the assumptions and just went with the straight question… No mask… No assistant… No sign… No provisions of any kind… $20,000,000. I could easily become a successful hermit with $20 Million.
Loading ...As disturbing as the original inquiry is, the question of my participation begs a few other questions: who would be willing to pay me to perform self pleasure on stage?; where would you find a captive 500+ person audience that finds amateur masturbation even interesting?; how long would the show last?; Would people applaud and cheer?; could I do eight shows a week?
“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.
Erik from Boston MA asks, “I was thinking of doing a little tanning for my upcoming wedding and honeymoon. I have never been to a tanning salon before. Am I supposed to tan with my underwear on, do I wear a swimsuit or should I tan naked?”
Well Erik, I am glad you asked this question. Typically when you think of tanning, most immediately think women going to the salons. But, I am here to tell you that men go too. Most tanning salons see around a 7 to 3 women to men ratio.
Women start tanning in high school and they just all seem to know what to do. It is like they are born knowing how. I’ve surmised that women share tanning knowledge with each other during their gang-style bathroom runs. Men are usually more laid back and don’t care as much. It is not until they are later in life that men discover they look better with some color in their skin.
Tanning in a bathing suit verse tanning naked is completely up to the individual. Your choice should hinge on a few key factors:
Men, If you are going to tan naked you need to protect your valuables. I suggest a sock for package or a Crown Royal bag for more gifted gentlemen. I like to go half and half; cover up for the first half, tan the dong for the second half.
Ultimately, swimsuit, underwear or naked is a personal choice. I have no modesty, so I say tan naked and let it fly. Just remember, don’t burn your best friend or his two buddies. They won’t be happy with you if you do.
“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.
click for a better view…
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!!
Most men like at least a little animation in their partners. And by a little, I mean a lot. A whole lot. Something just short of a 911 call by the neighbors. Scratch that. Let them call. THAT run in with the cops would give a guy a story he can re-tell until he dies. Something to thrill is daughter’s new in-laws with at the wedding reception. And, with a little luck, a guy might even end up with a Disturbing the Peace violation that he can get framed and hang above his bed. Or carry around in his wallet in case he needs it to liven up Thanksgiving dinner with the grandkids.
Some men, however, seem to prefer a little ANIME in their partners. And again, by a little, I mean a lot. OK, anime porn is nothing new, and guys were “using” it long before The Bare Naked Ladies came along. But what was once just a creepy niche market inhabited by Xenophile and Fritz the Cat has blossomed into a massive industry that rivals “real live” porn in scale. OK, not really, but it’s still HUGE. Video games, magazines, movies and TV shows. Everything from soft core pulp like Sailor Moon, to scary-core demon snuff screamers like Legend of the Overfiend. Men gobble up boatloads of the stuff – quite literally, since most of it comes from East Asia. And what gets into the US is just the tip of the iceberg.
So maybe I’m old fashioned, or just old, but an obsession with wide-eyed pre-pubescent cartoon girls is a bit disturbing. Understandable, maybe. At least for hormone-tortured teenagers who can get a real girl to come near them. But still disturbing. And, if you’re over 18, its just wrong. I’m mean, cat-girls? Really? Buy a magazine from behind the counter or something. Or watch Spartacus on cable like a real man.
Apparently, however, this whole obsession with anime vixens has gone too far. OK, maybe not in the US, at least not yet – for now splotchy faced American boys are content to watch anime in dark rooms after their parents have gone to bed. But, on the other side of the Pacific, their pasty-skinned brothers are actually marrying their illustrated women. That’s right, marriage. To a cartoon. A real man (well, a male human), a unreal woman. Like Brad Pitt in Cool World, except for real (and possibly, with better acting). I’m not kidding – you can’t make this stuff up. Or at least, if you do, it’s a box office flop.
It all started with Japanese men marrying cartoon characters, mostly the romantic love interests from “dating simulation” games. “Love sims,” which range from cutesy G-rated puppy love stuff to things that might make Ron Jeremy blush, are apparently very popular in Asia. I’ve never heard of one getting ported over to the US (or at least, not very successfully). Popular doesn’t even begin to describe it when people are actually carrying these things from dating on a screen to marrying in the real world. I guess the games are REALLY realistic. Either that or these guys don’t have much experience with real women. Maybe the attraction is a woman that can be played like a video game, complete with cheat codes.
Now some men are taking it to the next level – they’re marrying their pillows. But wait, we aren’t we talking about anime? Yes, we were. And we still are; these “dakimakura” are body pillows with life size images of cartoon girls printed on them. Again, they’re very popular. One thing they are not is realistic – they’re pillow shaped and hard to confuse with real women. I mean, at least on dating sims, if you press enter the game responds (or throws out an error – you know, just like a real woman). On the other hand, a pillow-woman is more “tactile” then a game-girl, and your date doesn’t have to end when the power goes out. But, unless your into women that are fluffier than Gabriel Iglesias, it’s hard to see the attraction.
A quick search of the internet reveals that there are boy versions of these pillows for female anime fans. Yes, apparently lots of women watch anime in other countries, even after puberty. Turns out that there are also cartoon dating sim games for girls. One thing I couldn’t find was any mention of women marrying anime guys. I guess women, even women in countries that produce pillow loving grooms, apparently cannot dive to the same sordid depths as men of the species. Or, at least, they haven’t yet.
