WTF?!?… Moooo?
First person to find this place on Google Maps Steetview gets a FupDuckTV.com T-Shirt.
Email your guesses to FupDuckTV [at] Gmail.com.
Contest ends 12 March 2010.
FupDuckTV
Social commentary for the masses.
Ask DaVe: Farting Coworker?
Henry from Daven Port, IA asks, “DaVe, I have a coworker that sits next to me that is constantly farting. What should I do?”
Well Henry, I’m glad you asked this question. I am an expert and have years of experience on this topic. I am regularly the offender and the offended in this situation. I’ve even done some crop dusting in my day.
What I have discovered is most people in a work environment will actually just put up with the rude and offensive smells of their coworkers. Occasionally they will bring this issue to their manager’s attention and then an “uncomfortable exchange” between the manager and the fart usually takes place.
I personally recommend taking a more overt and active response to this situation. Here are some things to try the next time your coworker rips one off:
- Bring to work the cork from a spent champagne bottle. Offer it to them and say “Dude, Seriously…” or “If you don’t, I will!”
- Offer the offender a candle. Tell them to light the end and insert into their anal sphincter. The melting wax will seal in the nastiness and anything that escapes will be burned off by the flame.
- Play Fart-Tennis! One person says “Service” then rips off an audible fart. The opposing player then has 60 seconds to return fire with their own audible fart. You go back and forth until someone cannot produce a sound in the allotted amount of time. The farts have to be audible or they don’t count.
- Spray Lysol directly on the offenders ass. (To be honest, original Lysol smells worse that most farts)
- Guess what you coworker had to eat based on the bouquet of the eruption. For example… “Did you had a rotten grilled cheese sandwich dipped in oyster and butter sauce?” Keep guessing until you get it right (or until they threaten you).
- Return fire and actually fart on the arm or shoulder of the offending coworker. The technique is best if you are standing while they are sitting at a computer. You gotta be quick about it.
Draw caricature and cartoon pictures of your coworker farting on post-it notes. Attach them to their computer monitor while they are away from their desk.- Name the farts of your coworker. There are some examples at fartnames.com or you can come up with your own.
- Judge them like they are participating in an Olympic judged competition. Scare them on length , smell and sound of the toot.
- Make an over-the-top reaction. Grab your throat, clutch your chest, gasp for air, fall on the floor and play dead.
Farting is a natural bodily function that occurs to most people about two dozen times a day whether they know it or not. Ultimately, you have three choices – ignore it, get upset about it or have fun with it. The choice is up to you.
How would you handle a farting coworker?
Bollywood Dancing
Many Americans have never experienced a Bollywood film. Bollywood is the Indian (dot, not feather) equivalent to California’s Hollywood. Bollywood films are typically shot in Mumbai and are full of music and dancing (very popular in India)
Modern Indian dance is combination of Classical Indian folk dancing with Latino and Arabic influences thrown in for good measure. To me it looks like Broadway dancers on Cocaine and Ecstasy (maybe something from the Hair musical).
The closest thing that mainstream America has come to seeing Bollywood Movies would be last year’s award winning, Slumdog Millionaire. While there was no Bollywood Dancing during the film, the credits ran with a large Bollywood style dance number.
During an alcohol infused discussion, it was determined that American films could use more dancing and singing. There are plenty of American movies that would benefit from Bollywood style dancing. Picture the following American classics with touch of Indian influence:
- I can picture a rather ornate dance number at the end of the film between Butch Cassidy, The Sundance Kid and the entire Bolivian Army. Lotsa singing, Lotsa dancing, Lotsa Bullets…
- What if Linda Blair in The Exorcist had scurried up the wall and danced to Bollywood Music while spitting split-pea soup and screaming obscenities about your mother? I think it still would have been just as scary.
Apocalypse Now could have used Bollywood Dance scenes throughout the entire film. How cool would it have been if Robert Duvall and the rest of the Air Cavalry broke out dancing to the Flight of the Valkyries? Or better yet, crazed Marlon Brando and his private Cambodian army dancing as Martin Sheen rolls up on his compound.- I can imagine a delightful dance break during a rather tense chase scene during the original Star Wars. Han Solo and Chewbacca being chased through the death star only to turn the corner and discover dozens of Stormtroopers. Instantly a dance number breaks out with Harrison Ford, seven foot tall Wookiee and 100+ choreographed Stormtroopers.
- Surprisingly, Bollywood dancing can easily be inserted into any film with Vin Diesel or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; very few editing changes and almost zero impact to the plot.
So what movies do you feel would benefit from Bollywood Dancing?
Ask DaVe: Is Figure Skating a Sport?
Amy from Bethel IN asks, “DaVe, I have been watching the Winter Olympics and I was wondering is Figure Skating really a sport?”
Well Amy, I am glad you asked this question. As enjoyable as the Winter Olympics are to watch, there are many questions that have been brought up about the events. To answer your question… No, Figure Staking is not a sport. Figure Skating is a Judge Competition.
There are some definitive guidelines that will help you determine the difference between a sport and a judged competition:
- A sport is any event that has a score, winning time or winning distance.
- A sport must have quantitative numbers that are not subject to interpretive results or awarded point.
Some people would argue that sports have referees, umpires and judges that can change the score based on their rulings. They do make decisions according to rules, but in sports the officials do not award points; they confirm if a score has occurred based upon the rules.
The Winter Olympic games are categorized into three main categories: (1) ice (2) snow and (3) Nordic events. There are 86 individual events at the 2010 Winter Olympics.
Ice
- Luge
Skeleton
Bobsled
Ice Hockey
Figure Skating & Ice Dancing – NOT SPORTS
Speed Skating
Short Track Speed Skating
Curling
Snow
- Alpine Skiing
Freestyle Skiing (Aerials, Moguls) – NOT SPORTS
Freestyle Skiing (Ski Cross)
Snowboarding (Halfpipe) – NOT A SPORT
Snowboarding (Parallel Giant Slalom and Snowboard Cross)
Nordic Events
- Biathlon (cross-country skiing and target shooting)
Cross-Country Skiing
Ski Jumping
Nordic Combined (ski jumping and cross country skiing)
Most of the games are sports with the exception of Freestyle Skiing (Aerials, Moguls), Snowboarding (Halfpipe), Figure Skating & Ice Dancing. Don’t get me wrong, judged competitions take amazing skill, precision, strength and raw talent. The people that participate are athletic, but in the end they are just performers.
As a side-note, I believe that Luge, Skeleton and Bobsledding should be renamed Sledding, Head-First Sledding and Mechanized Sledding respectively.
So tell us, do you think these are sports? What is your favorite Winter Olympics game?
Mechanized Snow-Removal
Where I live, we have been absolutely pounded by snow over the last few days. It actually has snowed more in 10 days than it has in does in any given typical winter for our area. If you watch the nightly news, you would think the world has come to an end; “Frozen Death!!!”
I personally enjoy the snow. I don’t mind walking in it. I don’t mind driving in it. There are only two things I don’t like about snow: Driving up untreated hills and other drivers that don’t know how to control their cars in snow. If you don’t know how to maneuver on snow covered roads, stay home. And frozen hills just suck!
The local municipalities are doing their best to clear the streets and sidewalks, but they just are behind the eight-ball for this storm. Thankfully, my regular 9-to-5 is located on a large private campus with lots of roads, sidewalls, parking lots and buildings about the size of a small town. Our streets are so clean and dry, you could eat off them.
So how is that possible? How does my company manage to keep everything so neat and clean. Mechanized Snow Removal!!! They use tractors, ATVs, snow blowers and a whole mess of other snow removal equipment.
I would really like to see them step it up to the next level. I am ready to see Japanese cartoon style mecha-robots that use flame-throwers to melt snow instantly. Giant robots will not be used to fight World War III, instead they will be used to plow your streets.
Impopotox
Impopotox
Im·pop·o·tox (im-pop-oh-tok)
-noun
Substance in beverages that makes people act erratically.
Until recently, the existence of Impopotox was unknown, undiscovered and undetectable. Impopotox is found in most beverages, but significant quantities have been found in alcoholic beverages. The effects of Impopotox include erratic behavior, poor life choices, low self-esteem and an insatiable hunger for attention. The effects of Impopotox are especially strong on celebrities and reality TV stars.
An Impopotox abuser unknowingly develops a dependency upon beverages that contain this substance. Scientists have as of yet been able to isolate or determine the chemical make-up of Impopotox. Impopotox is different from alcohol which has a nearly immediate effect; the effects of impopotox build up over time.
There is an underground anarchist movement centered in Los Angeles California seeking to isolate Impopotox into pill form. It is theorized that if Impopotox becomes street available, the entire state of California will fall into the Pacific Ocean; not from an earthquake, but rather from their own cumulative stupidity.
The effects of Impopotox have been able to explain the activities of celebrities such as Robert Downey Jr., Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Nick Nolte, Hugh Grant, Wesley Snipes and Mel Gibson.
Please let us know if you feel that you might be under the effects of Impopotox.