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Mark from Kalida OH asks “Thanksgiving is almost here. What are you thankful for DaVe?”

Well Mark, I am glad you asked this question. I am thankful for so many different things this year that I have come up with a list. I am thankful for:

• First and foremost, All My Family and Friends
• My freedom and all those that work to ensure those freedoms
• My Health
• My Education
• A relatively successful 9-to-5 job
• High Speed Internet
• Cable Television
• Reasonable gas prices
• Pumpkin pie and whip cream
• Whip-Its (Nitrous Oxide)
• Boobs
• Female Prison Exploitation Films
• Kung Fu Films
• Star Wars and other great Sci-Fi movies
• Above average athletic ability for my age
• Nerds Rope Candy
• A good lap dog
• All of our regular FupDuckTV readers and the comments that you leave
• oh yeah…. and Boobs!

What are you thankful for?

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

Tags: Ask DaVe by DaVe
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Unique adornments and accessories are the je ne sais pas of winter sports. As an avid skier, I love to see the different crazy hats and ski masks that people come up with. This particular ski mask looks like something someone would use to rob a Hobby Store. “This is a stick-up! Give me all your cash and Pokémon cards!”

This mask was created by the deviantART member, Sugarcoatidli3z. You have to give her credit for making this without using a pattern.

There is something very disturbing about this picture. I don’t know if it is the knitting abomination or the woman that has dawned the ski mask. I think I am bothered by this woman’s amble bosom tautly zipped inside a chibi flower print hoodie. I am most disturbed by the Pikachu ears which can only be described as black tipped yellow phalli.

Tags: Images by DaVe
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Is this the death of cinema and modern film as we know it?

The vampire romance “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” racked up $140.7 million in its first three days and pulled in a disturbing total of $258.8 million worldwide. To date, there are still two films that grossed higher returns than New Moon, The Dark Knight and Spider-Man 3 (both sequels as well). I guess that means there is still some hope left in the movie world.

Many of my friends are into Sci-Fi, Fantasy and other forms of pop-culture. In an effort to stay up to date, about a year or so ago I picked up Stephanie Meyer’s novel, Twilight. I read about half of the novel before I had to put it down.

I was not impressed and couldn’t go any further. To me the book felt like it read like a Dr. Seuss book. “See Bella. See Bella Meet Edward. See Edward be good vampire.” The target audience is obviously girls that grew up reading Harry Potter and now need something slightly more mature.

In full disclosure, I have not finished any of the Twilight novels and I have not seen either of the associated movies.

I admittedly have a strong bias against the Twilight series. I think there is something generally unnerving about me allowing myself to like the Twilight Series. I don’t want to end up being the creepy thirty-something old guy hanging out in a theater full of 12 to 15 year old girls on the verge of discovering their own prepubescent sexuality. Lets face it, Twilight is Pre-Teen Teaser-Porn; buff high school aged pretty-boys running around with their shirts off and seducing the school’s newcomer misfit.

Does anyone remember when Vampires were the bad guys? You didn’t kiss and cuddle with them. You put a stake through their heart and you cut off their heads.

Who knows… maybe in time I will learn to like Twilight. When the first Harry Potter film came out, I was Anti-Harry and had not read any of the books. Now, I enjoy Harry Potter series and consider them must see movies and must read books.

Did you see the Twilight films? Have you read the books? What do you think, should I give these stories another chance?

Tags: Rant by DaVe
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As I mentioned in yesterday’s article, Hot Bowl of Ass Soup, I am fighting a cold and I have become rather snotty. I am not a good sick person. I’m grumpy and I want to be pampered. I’d just like to say that I am disappointed that no one has stepped up to the pampering challenge yet. Where is the sense of adventure?

This most recent cold seems to have had a few stages including fever, tired, sneezing fits, grumpy, chills, flemmy, tired, sore throat and now most recently snotty. Snotty is the best way to succinctly describe the crap that has staked out a claim inside my sinus cavity. The mucus has moved all around; from my upper sinus to my throat to my chest and finally into my nose. I am so nasal that I sound like a bad clique cartoon character.

I have tried just about every over-the-counter medication that I can think of to kick this cold. I have even tried a few drugs that you have to get a pharmacists permission; not a doctor, just a pharmacist (apparently he doesn’t want me making crystal meth in my bathtub). I’ve considered grinding up a mish-mash of medications and making my own super-drug in a crucible. Little bit of this… Little bit of that….

While I’m waiting for my cold to subside, I am left to bolster the tissue industry. I would buy stock in Kleenex or Puffs if I were you. I am blowing my nose a minimum of once every ten minutes. I find myself playing an informal game of “Tissue Treasures”.

Tissue Treasures is a game where you blow your nose then examine what came out. There are no points associated with the prizes inside; it is more a matter of pride and morbid curiosity combined. I noticed that mostly men play this game, but occasionally women play too.

You get different varieties of snotty surprises when playing Tissue Treasures. There is the basic light clear spattering from a relatively healthy person. Sometime you can find the more booger based nose product. I think the most interesting results are the tacky green magic nose goblins. In my current condition, I am regularly producing large amounts of flemmy yellow slime balls with the occasional smear of stringy blood mixed in for good measure. Each blow of your nose is a new adventure.

An advanced way to play Tissue Treasure…. Blow your nose, examine it, then show it to the person closest to you. Hee Hee!!!

Don’t forget to wash your hands after blowing your nose. If you can’t get to a sink to wash your hands, try an alcohol based instant hand sanitizer. In an effort to combat the spread of the flu, my 9-to-5 company has seen fit to provide each employee with a personal bottle of Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer. I absolutely hate this crap. The consistency and texture of Purell is that of cold human ejaculate. Think I’m crazy…. compare for yourself. Purell is 65% pure Ethyl Alcohol and you can get wicked drunk drinking this stuff. But, Don’t drink the Purell!!! You might want to consider washing your hands with soup and water after using the instant hand sanitizer.

Tags: Rant by DaVe
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As some of you may (or may not) know, I am one of the worst “sick people” on the planet. I’m not saying that I get sick alot. I’m not saying that when I get sick the severity of my ailments are overly catastrophic. What I am saying is When I do get sick, I am a whiny baby and I want to be pampered by anyone that will take care of me (this apparently is also known as The Typical Man).

When I am sick, just like a hibernating grizzly bear, I want to sleep 14 to 18 hours a day. I don’t want to be disturbed and I don’t want to be woken up by jackhammers and concrete saws. If I am not sleeping I like to be under a mound of blankets on a comfy couch or I like to be taking a warm shower or a hot bath.

In the past 48 hours, I’ve gotten lots of sleep, soups, juices, baths and showers. Unfortunately, this Monday morning the neighbors had jackhammers and concrete saws going by 7am. I decided to bring my sniffly butt into the office to avoid the constant noise. A sick day would have been nice, but I am feeling better than yesterday and I don’t think I’m contagious any longer.

In effort to shorten my work day, I have decided to eat lunch at my desk. Since I didn’t pack anything and I don’t want to leave the office, my options are limited. I cracked open my nuclear-fallout emergency rations kit and pulled out a dry cup-a-soup type deal. Just add water! *ding*

My emergency rations consist of a Noodle Bowl from Simply Asia. God only knows how long this thing has been sitting on the shelf. I actually looked… there is no expiration date on the package. I’m visibly disturbed now. A coworker actually asked me if I was alright. I tear back the wrapper, rip open two flavor packets (one with spices, the other with dried herbs) and one oil packet. I am assuming that was an “oil packet”, but it had the consistency of slime. Microwave for three minutes. Lil’ol’me, following directions….

ABSOLUTE ASS!!! This is quite possibly the nastiest thing I have eaten since college. This bowl of rice noodles tasted like it had been gathered from the sewer of a bad Chinese restaurant. The rice noodles absorbed nearly all the water and turned into a mass of indiscernible mush. I didn’t know whether to cut it with a knife, roll it with a fork or lift it with a spoon. The flavors were that of a dirty kitty litter box, seasoned with crumpled up dry leaves and finished off with a dash of sesame seed oil and dirty toilet water.

I have since brushed my teeth twice now and I can still taste the horrible flavors on my tongue. At least it got rid of the snotty flem taste in my mouth. I actually ate half the bowl. The question now is, Who’s trash can do I dump the other half in?

What is in your office Nuclear-Fallout Emergency Rations Kit?

Tags: Rant by DaVe
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OK, it is official… the retail Christmas Season has begun for 2009. The pumpkins are not even in the trash can yet, the fake spider webs are still over the house lights and I still putting away costume and make-up supplies.

I saw my first Christmas television commercial of the year today. Today is November 3 and we are almost a full 2 months away from Christmas. I do enjoy the Christmas season, but it is just TOO SOON.

Every year the Christmas Season comes earlier and earlier. I’m surprised we don’t have red, white and blue candy canes in July. I blame the retail stores.

Well, it is time to take back November. Retail stores should not be able to have Christmas commercials until the last week of November…. 7 Days before December. Nov 23 should be the official kick off of the Christmas Season. A couple days before Black Friday, tops.

I propose that we punish those stores that jump the gun. We should boycott stores that start advertising too soon. The first commercial I saw this year was a Hallmark Store commercial. As punishment for rushing things, I am not going to purchase anything from Hallmark this year. My own personal Boycott.

Maybe if we get enough people boycotting these impatient retailers, they will think twice about pushing their start up more and more every year.

Do you think stores are starting too soon. Are you going to boycott any particular store? What was the first Holiday commercial that you saw?

Tags: Rant by DaVe
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