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Redhook Ale Brewery, Woodinville, WA and Portsmouth, NH
Longhammer IPA Cask with citra hops, Double Black Stout, and Blackhook Nitrogenated Porter draft ales

There is an air of exclusivity to drinking beer at a brewery or brew pub. You can know for certain that the beer you’re drinking is the freshest it could possibly be, sometimes a few days old up to being in the keg only a couple of weeks, and we all know that fresh beer tastes far better than old beer. Secondly, in many cases, the beer you are drinking, especially in smaller brew pubs, is only available there, as if they made it just for you. Are there any better reasons to like brew pubs? I didn’t think so.

A recent trip to New Hampshire allowed me some time to visit the Redhook Ale Brewery in Portsmouth, NH. For those of you not in the know, Redhook started life in Washington state. After several years of increasing success, they opened a second brewery in New Hampshire. Having breweries on both coasts allowed them to increase their distribution significantly. Originally, their flagship beer was the ESB, until their Longhammer IPA (formerly just known as the Redhook IPA) took over as their best seller. Despite that, they have several other excellent beers, including the Blackhook porter, Copperhook, and SunRye. Keep in mind, I was really looking forward to visiting Redhook Brewery, and by the end, I was rather drunk – thus the reviews are a bit short.

Longhammer IPA Cask Ale with citra hops
This hand-pulled cask ale version of their best-selling Longhammer IPA is perfection captured in a glass. It has the fullest possible flavor without being unbalanced or overwhelming. It has a light aroma of fruit and yeast. It was served at the perfect temperature, about 55 to 60 degrees, and was almost flat with a creamy, velvety smooth body. Flavors of apple and grass mingle in and out of the hoppy, lightly citrusy IPA.
M!dd13m4n’s rating – 5 Pints

Double Black Stout
This stout is very similar in flavor and character to Lagunitas Cappucino Stout, complete with deep coffee flavor. The beer in the glass is completely black and opaque. This one is also very creamy, but not nitrogenated, as your typical dry stouts. Thankfully, this one is not very high in alcohol. As for flavor, there is very little hop bite to interrupt the very chocolaty, deeply roasted coffee flavor.
M!dd13m4n’s rating – 4 Pints

Blackhook Nitrogenated Porter
By the time I got around to the Blackhook, I was feeling pretty good. Two pints of cask Longhammer and then a pint of the Double Black Stout started to have a serious effect. Despite that, I was really looking forward to this one. The nitrogenated Blackhook can be described with only one word: wow! Much like a typical dry stout, this is a nitrogenated porter, so it is very creamy and almost flat in the glass. But that helps make the beer oh-so-smooth, oh-so-good, and oh-so-drinkable. Just like the Double Black Stout, there’s very little bitterness and a wonderfully sweet, chocolaty flavor. I may have been somewhat drunk, but this is simply the best dark beer that I have ever had. It is a bit of a shame, though – rumor has it that Redhook has decided to stop brewing it. Hopefully, they will reconsider.
M!dd13m4n’s rating – 5 Pints

Tags: Beer Review by Midd13m4n
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Mark from Gatlinburg, TN asks, “What is the most embarrassing place to get an unexpected erection?”

Well Mark, I’m glad you asked this question. The most embarrassing place to get an unexpected erection would be in your own anus. I think that would be an embarrassing shock to just about any man (and a healthy amount of the women too). Your ear would be a close second.

LOL! I kill me… But, I’m guessing that answer does not satisfy the actual intent of your inquiry. I bet you want to know a particular situation or location where an erection would be unwelcome. I have put together a list of some of some places and situations were an erection would be unfortunate:

• Nephew’s 10 y/o birthday party
• The Dentist Chair
• The Beach or Pool Side
• Meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time
• Despite what you see in many pornography features, a Nurse or Doctor’s hand during an examination
• Being frisked by a cop, a male cop
• Lifting weights, particularly when bench pressing
• You might not think it, but riding a street rocket motor cycle. Just can’t straddle the bike properly with a big stiffy.
• In church, specially when receiving the sacrament of confession
• Waiting in line to order fast food, especially if you are behind a beautiful woman
• As shown in the comic strip above, at funerals and wakes.
• Being measured for trousers by a seamstress
• Parent / Teacher conference
• Yoga Class
• Walking the halls at work
• In the hardware section at Wal-Mart
• A Soccer game (playing or watching)
• Traffic Court

For some people, an unexpected erection, even in private, is embarrassing. “I am a healthy adult and I should be able to control my own body.” The things is, that things can go off from a light breeze if the angle is just right.

Over my many years, I have learned to be more comfortable with my own body and to not let things bother me. I personally don’t feel that any of my erections are ever embarrassing or unwanted. Yes, some of them are unexpected, but they are always welcome. I see them as a thoughtful gift from that little devil on my left shoulder. There will a time in my life that they won’t pop up as easily as they used to. Hopefully that will never happen to me and thankfully if it does they now have drugs to fix that.

So guys, where is the most embarrassing place you have gotten an unexpected erection? Ladies, have you ever witnessed an erection gone wrong? Has Titty-Hard-On (or some other visible arousal) ever embarrassed you?

The image above is from one of the funniest online comic strips around, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal by Zach Weiner. I highly recommend you check out Zach’s work.

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment.

Tags: Ask DaVe by DaVe
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Ever hear of the Omron Smile Scan System? It’s got to be one of the cooler and more disturbing uses of modern technology I’ve seen lately. Basically, this device scans your face and rates your smile.

It looks like a bunch of service industries, such as the Tokyo subways, are using the system for “smile training.” Employees get scanned and rated every morning. They also get printouts of their smile and some helpful smile improvement tips. Things like “you still look too serious” and “lift up the corners of your mouth.”

Kinda cool.
Also a little creepy.

It’s a good thing Uncle Matt doesn’t work in one of these places – I’ve never had what you would call an award winning smile. I can just imagine my results.

“Good morning, your smile rating today is 4 out of 100. You have shown significant improvement since your last scan! Try drawing a happy face on a paper bag and wear that over your head.”

Call it a hunch, but I’m guessing that most of Omron’s customers are outside the United States. This just doesn’t seem like something that would be too popular here. If the guy in the McDonalds drive-through shows too many teeth, I start to worry that he might have pissed in my Sprite. If the Dodge salesman isn’t sucking his thumb while I sign paperwork still wet with his supervisor’s tears, then I know I’m paying too much for my new car. Americans mostly only smile when they’re getting their picture taken or they’re drunk. That’s why you should never get into a bus or a taxi if the driver looks like he’s in a good mood.

It’s only a matter of time before this technology gets adapted for use in the dark underbelly of the service industry. Can’t you just see one of these in the back room of a taxi-dance club or a brothel? A few changes to the system and it could even be used to rate “working” faces instead of smiles. Naturally, the advice might be somewhat different…

“You still look like you’re in pain.”
“Try to smile more when you get bored.”

Heck, you could probably do the daily printouts as glossy and sell them to clients.

Tags: Rant by Uncle Matt
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Seven Things I Would Lick (Unconditionally):

• Raspberry Flavored Snowcone
• Kristen Bell’s Thighs
• Butterfly wings on the peek of Mount Everest
• The Equator
• SnozBerries
• The orgy love stain left from the lesbian trio of Scarlett Johansson, Eliza Dushku and Jessica Biel
• The bald head of Jack Palance’s Oscar from City Slickers

Tags: Rant by DaVe
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In honor of this past weekend’s ComicCon in San Diego, I figured I’d make a list of places that I’d like to go or events I’d like to attend sometime before I die. Yes, I’m sure there are more than 9 places or events that I’d like to be at if I really thought about it, but this is somewhat from the hip. And brevity is always appreciated. Why not the normal list of 10? I just had to be different.

1. ComicCon in San Diego, and to a lesser extent, DragonCon in Atlanta. My inner geek would love to connect with all the fantasy and sci-fi enthusiasts and see all the people dressed up in costumes. My inner cynical bastard would also love to laugh at them.

2. The Great Wall of China. Duh.

3. The Kremlin in Moscow. Another duh. I’m still attempting to learn Russian for just this eventuality

4. Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. It doesn’t matter who is playing or what the venue is, as a huge hockey fan, I would just love being at a game and knowing one of the most storied trophies in all of professional sports will be awarded that night. Also knowing that it has progressed to a best-of-one play-off series makes it even more thrilling.

5. The Kentucky Derby. Again, it doesn’t matter who is racing, it is just the event of it. I’ve been told that there is nothing like sipping mint juleps at the Derby.

6. The Amazon River during the rainy season. I’m not a camper and I’m not much for the great outdoors, so this one is really out of character for me. However, the bio-diversity and the shear magnitude of the Amazon is supposed to be spectacular. Yeah, this one is the long-shot of the list.

7. The Vatican, but this time sober. Some years ago, I did have the opportunity to travel to Italy and I did get to see the Vatican. I was a bit drunk on the day we went to the Vatican. Uh, correction: I was a bit drunk on the entire trip, and on one of the days, we went to the Vatican. There’s something to be said for the prevalence of all that wonderful Italian wine. I think perhaps I would appreciate the artistic grandeur a bit more without (that much) alcohol in my system.

8. New Zealand. It doesn’t matter where in New Zealand – if it is anywhere as beautiful as the scenery in “The Lord of the Rings” movie trilogy, it would be completely overwhelming. And it wouldn’t be “roughing it”.

9. Crater of Diamonds State Park, Arkansas. It is the only diamond mine where the average person can go and dig for diamonds and keep what they find. The mind boggles at the possibilities. And there’s something to be said for southern cooking. I just hope it isn’t in a “dry county”.

As the phrase that Microsoft once made famous asked, “Where would you like to go (today)?”

Tags: Rant by Midd13m4n
1 Comment »

Jamie from Las Cruces, NM asks “I am starting college in a couple weeks and I have to share a room with a total stranger. Should I take the bottom or top bunk?

Well Jamie, I’m glad you asked this question. This is a tough question because there are soooo many pro’s and con’s to each arrangement. I have had the opportunity to experience both the top and bottom bunks throughout my college career. You will ultimately have to decide for yourself, but here are the facts:

Bottom Bunk:

You can have extra privacy (or make a fort) on the bottom bunk. Just hang some extra sheets from top bunk and you have instant privacy.

You can get in and out of bed easier on the bottom bunk. No climbing involved. No waking up the roommate. The bed barely moves when you get in out.

Bathroom access is significantly easier from the bottom bunk. You might normally have the bladder of a camel, but after a night of freshman drinking you will need to get up in the middle of the night.

Drunken ladder climbing to the top bunk SUCKS!!!

You can lay things out on your bed much easier on the bottom bunk. If you like to organize and see what you are looking at, the bottom bunk prospective is the way to go.

Sleeping above someone else can be creepy. You never know what they could be doing down there.

If you’ve grown up with a full bed or wider, consider the bottom bunk. The fall to the floor from the bottom bunk is more annoying than painful.

Your freshman sex partner might not be to keen on climb up to the top bunk for some nookie.

You can hide things under your mattress. Top bunkmate does not get to enjoy this secret hiding place.

Top Bunk:

You get more exercise having to climb up and down from the top bunk. This will help combat the freshman 15 lbs. Besides, who doesn’t like to climb on things? It is like your own daily rock wall or jungle gym.

The bed shakes far less from roommate movements on the top bunk. If you are a light sleeper, you will want to grab the top bunk. Whether it is climbing in and out or wild freshman sex, top bunk roommate will cause the bed to shake more.

The top bunk does not have super sharp spikes on the bottom of the mattress. I regularly scraped my scalp on those damn things sitting up on the bottom bunk.

Sleeping under someone else can be creepy. You never know what they could be doing up there.

You can pretend you are a roman god surveying all the land below. The top bunk is a great vantage point for the room.

Top Bunk Sex (TBS) is significantly wilder. You can really get that bed moving. I suggest mimicking police siren noises to experience the full effect of TBS.

Once you decide which bunk you want, make sure you arrive first on “move-in day”. Everyone knows first one there gets to pick.

In the off chance that you actually have a roommate of the opposite gender, ALWAYS take the bottom bunk. Even if you have absolutely ZERO interest in this person, everyone enjoys a peek every now and then. Whether it is sexy tone legs or something more, you’ll want to be the one doing the looking (not the other way around).

I don’t recommend it, but when all else fails, un-bunk the beds and sacrifice the floor space for roommate peace. Keep in mind, freshman year will come to an end at some point.

Which do you prefer: Top or Bottom Bunk? Why?

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment.

Tags: Ask DaVe by DaVe
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