FupDuckTV

Dear Panera Bread,

Today I dined at one of your mid-west locations for lunch. My overall experience was good, but there were a few things that just flat-out annoyed me. My experience in your restaurant struck me as worth commenting on and I would like to share my opinions with you.

The Parking Lot: My first experience with visiting your location. I was seriously pissed-off by the fact that every parking spot was taken. Typically that is not a problem because it means your restaurant is popular and people come and go; wait a few seconds and something opens up. But for Panera, people come but they don’t go. There are probably 35 parking spots around the building and not a one of them was available. I ended up having to park a couple hundred yards away and walking over across four lanes of traffic for my lunch. I think that Panera should designate a majority of the parking spots around the building as “30 minute spots”. People wanting to stay around longer can park out in the back 40.

Menu Esthetics: It was time for me to pick something from your menu. How the hell can I tell what my options are? I’m sure at all of your items are wonderful, but I’ll never know cause I don’t have 30 minutes to read every item on the menu. I know of one thing that I enjoy, Sierra Turkey Sandwich, so I get it every time. God help me if you ever run out one day! I recommend that you have some pictures of your foods. I know that your stores are trying to be more sophisticated than McDonalds, but at least there I can easily see all my options in picture form and quickly make a selection.

Friendly Staff: On a positive note, the Panera Bread staff was friendly, helpful and courteous. They took my order quickly and efficiently. They looked me in the eye and smiled. They moved quickly to get my order right. Stephanie, the woman that took my order was quite cute too. My eyes lingered too long on her ample cleavage as she keyed in my order (I see leering as a perk of the whole restaurant experience). I was highly pleased with the entire staff today. Good job there.

Table Layout: Uh OH! We’re back to things that annoy me. Talk about a pain in the ass to get to an open table. “Oh I see one, in the back corner, around that weirdly placed half partition wall in the middle of the room, around the mothers group, past the unemployed loiterers, all the way back to the table for two that is only large enough to seat one and a half. The Olsen Twins might be able to both fit comfortably. Take a tip from the Airline industry, remove one group a tables and give everyone else just an extra bit of space to sit down.

Food Quality: Back to the positive. I have to admit, the Sierra Turkey Sandwich I had was really good. It was fresh and full of flavor. Some of you might say you are crazy for paying almost $7.00 for a Turkey sandwich that you can make at home. Well, I can’t make this sandwich at home. The Asiago cheese focaccia bread they use isn’t something I’ve seen in stores. Asiago actually means “average bread with cheese”. That weird looking lettuce type stuff you can find in stores. They grow that stuff on a special island somewhere in the Pacific. That spicy mayonnaise sauce…. YUM!!! I’ve tried to recreate that sauce at home, but I just either end up making a mess or I end up almost burning my tongue off. All-in-all, good food. Keep up the good work there.

Loitering Trolls: It is one thing to have an inviting environment. It is another to have people basically living in your restaurant. I think you need to employ a two hour time limit. If you can’t eat and be comfortable and doo what you need to in 120 minutes, you need to go somewhere else, like a library. Kick out the unemployed loitering trolls that are avoiding the emptiness of their undersize single-occupancy studio apartments to sponging off the free Wi-Fi to play WoW and update their Facebook accounts. Get a real job or go hang out at a bar. Panera Bread: Server alcohol and the Trolls can stay.

Wi-Fi / Power Plugs: I like the fact that you have free Wi-Fi service for your customer and I like the open power outlets spread out around the restaurant. But, I feel that you should only provide one or the other, but not both. The combination of free electricity and a free open and anonymous internet connection in a public location is just asking for bad news. Free Wi-Fi and no electricity is great. They stay long enough to do what they need to do, but they can only stay as long as their batteries hold out. Free electricity and no Wi-Fi is great too. Customers stay long enough to do what they need to do, but then they get bored without the internet and leave.

Panera Bread, please consider my requests and suggestions. I will continue to patron your restaurants, but I think you can do better. Aww crap… After three hours of sitting here, my battery is about to die and I have to walk all the back out to my car to get my power cord. Besides, I need to make 70th level and update my Twitter status.

Sincerely,

DaVe from FupDuckTV.com

Tags: Rant by DaVe
5 Comments »

Mississippi Brewing Company, Utica, NY
Mississippi Mud Black & Tan

Any beer that comes in a jug should not inspire too much hope of being a quality beer instead of being built on gimmick. Any beer that comes in a quart jug (that’s 32oz. to you and me) and costs only $3 should not inspire too much hope, either. Any beer that talks about Mississippi and is brewed in New York simply inspires confusion. And all hope is dashed upon tasting the first drops of Mississippi Mud. First off, a black & tan is traditionally a lighter beer and a darker beer mixed together in the same glass, typically a Guinness stout “floated” on top of a Bass ale, hence the black and tan. As you drink them, they mix together, yielding a completely new flavor and body. Yes, it does have a deep, rich color and a rather thick head, indicative of a black & tan. According to the jug, they started with an “English porter” and a “continental pilsner”, which I’m going to guess are merely code-words for shit and piss-water. The jug also claim “famous” and “slow brewed”. I suspect they mean the negative, pejoritive definition of “famous”, and “slow brewed” on the scale of a gnat’s life. As for being the “best of both beers”, they missed that mark by a long, long, long way, and actually found quite possibly the most uninspired beer ever made. The first thing I taste is the overly roasted flavor of a bad pilsner, but with a bit too much hop bite. There does exist a bit of a chocolaty sweetness, boardering on bitter-sweet, in the background, that I hope comes from the porter. Unlike the traditional black & tan which is velvety smooth because of the stout’s contribution to the party, there is absolutely no velvety smootheness to speak of, almost as if you’re drinking a Brillo pad. And as for the aftertaste, there is a very bitter, vanilla-meets-chemical-spill-holocost flavor that just does not go away. I will admit right now, I purchased this beer because of the jug. I was a sucker. I fell for the gimmick. Thankfully, I only purchased one of these horrible things! The worst $3 I ever spent.

Note: After hours of scouring the web to find the brewery, I still couldn’t find an official web page. Screw ‘em.

M!dd13m4n’s rating – 1.5 Pints

Tags: Beer Review by Midd13m4n
No Comments »

As some of our readers may already know, I am a HUGE Star Wars fan. I saw the original movie, Star Wars: A New Hope, in the theater back in 1976. I was barely 3 years old, but I still remember everything about that day. The movie didn’t really “change my life” (not much to “change” when you are only three), but it sure set the course for alot of it.

Being a hard-core Star Wars fan is not always easy. Sometimes to get laughed at, ridiculed and called names like geek, loser or nerd (I’ve never really minded geek, but that is a whole different story). Within Star Wars fan culture (along with other genres), there is a subgroup of fans known as “Fanboys”.

Fanboys are the super-geeks and uber-nerds. The term “Fanboy” is considered to be fairly derogatory even among other more less-passionate fans. Fanboys memorizes every line, every scene, every character and every fact about the movie. They even dress-up (CosPlay) like the characters. Often Fanboys will sacrifice other aspects of their life to pursue their passion: relationships, personal hygiene, sunlight, social acceptance, and the list goes on and on.

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of seeing a premier of the movie Fanboys. The movie is currently in very limited release around the United States (10 cities). Fanboys is the story of five friends that are Star Wars super-fans. Set back in 1998 just before the release of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (Episode 1), the four friends hatch a plan to break into the Skywalker Ranch to see the movie prior to its release date. This plan becomes imperative because one of the friends is dying of Cancer and isn’t going to make it to see the release of the film.

The movie was amazing! I had the pleasure of meeting the Writer, Ernest Cline, and Director of the film, Kyle Newman, at the premier. Both gentlemen seemed to have humble beginnings as Star Wars fans themselves. Despite the small budget, Kyle and Ernest were able to bring together a strong cast with tons of big-name cameos. For a big Star Wars fan like me, this movie spoke to me on another level. It was if every joke was written just for me to laugh. I think the average film go’er will get a few laughs from the film, but Star Wars fans will be rolling on the floor with laughter.

As of Feb 27th, Fanboys will be showing in 24 cities on 46 screens. You can see the Fanboys trailer and find show times at Fanboys-themovie.com. Go see Fanboys, the Movie!!!

Tags: Movie Review by DaVe
3 Comments »

Midd13m4n must not go shopping at big box stores by himself anymore. I wrote about this last year: I went shopping and dropped some ridiculous amount of money at a big box store. Yes, folks, I did it again. I must admit, though, it is not completely my fault. These stores are designed to separate average, non-savvy, deal-challenged shoppers from their money. I am one of those people. I cannot recognize a deal to save my life. I am a man who doesn’t know how to shop. There, I said it.

For those of you who don’t understand the lingo, a big box store are the very large, warehouse-esque stores that sell either very large items, or items in large quantities. Stores like Home Depot, Ikea, Sam’s Club, and Costco are regarded as big box stores. Typically, I quite enjoy going in to a Home Depot or a Lowes; it is an exercise in manliness. Ikea is always an adventure, good and bad. However, I really do consider these stores as a blight on our countryside, primarily because they have so much stuff in them. They have lots and lots of stuff, but most of it, the normal person doesn’t want, doesn’t need, or simply shouldn’t have, and here I’m speaking directly to the warehouse club big box stores. The warehouse clubs have the 55-gallon drum of ketchup, and the matching barrel of mustard. Yes, you can pick up the 144-count packages of bars of soap, or the Great Wall of China commerative package of paper towels (actual size). The logic with those products is that paper goods and other non-perishables don’t go bad, and you always end up using them. But really, does ANYONE need 12 tubes of toothpaste the size of a grown man’s arm? Anyone who goes through the 25-pound bag of beef jerky or chocolate chips needs an intervention. Furthermore, those stores have a yearly membership fee, and if you’re going through the army size of toilet paper within a year, you probably need to see a doctor (unless you work from home or have a family, and even then that is a hell of a lot of TP). Then again, for a Type A personality neat-freak (like me), their selection of cleaning supplies is what wet-dreams are made of. Yes, I admit to purchasing the jumbo size of toilet cleaner, the tractor trailer of laundry detergent, non-chlorine bleach, and fabric softener, and the city size of pine-scented cleaner. What can I say; I like my place to be clean.

Has anyone else fallen for the trap of the dreaded big box store? What is the craziest purchase you made at one? Have you ever loaded up on so much crap that you couldn’t fit in all in your car? Did you buy the “Yard O’ Beef” summer sausage?

What is nice is that the place I went to actually sold alcohol, too. That will help some of the pain go away. They encourage everyone to drink more. I can’t argue with that.

Drink more.

Tags: Rant by Midd13m4n
2 Comments »

Lagunitas Brewing Company, Petaluma, CA
Cappucino Stout

It thoroughly disappoints me when I find a good beer that is on a limited release because I know that there will be people out there who do not get to sample it. I want to share the love, the joy, the splendor of a good beer with all those beautiful people out there. Alas, some people just won’t and just don’t get it. Such is the case with Lagunitas’ Cappuccino Stout. This is a very, very good beer. To get the preliminary crap out of the way, it is a stout brewed with Colombian coffee, apparently Sebastopol’s Own Hard Core Coffee. Whoever that is, they make a fine coffee, and I applaud them. I thoroughly appeciate the parody of Psalm 23, the best exerpt being, “…though I walk through the valley of the shadow of sleep, I will fear no artificial sweetener for thou art with me; Thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of my zzz’s…”. Perfection! Yeah, so that is the bottle – a 22oz. bottle, by the way. The beer itself has a very deep flavor, with a strong roasted character, and is the color of used motor oil with a deep brown head. I taste deep chocolate notes, combined with an interesting oakiness, with a hint of vanilla. It also has a vey soft and creamy mouth-feel. The sweetness of the stout lends itself to nicely balance the coffee’s bitterness. This is certainly not a “dry” stout and would make a very nice dessert beer. There is a slight metallic bitterness on the tail-end which I attribute to the relatively high ABV (8.29% ABV), and an aftertaste that mingles day-old coffee and caramel. Knowing that this beer is brewed with coffee, I am curious about the caffeine content (Buzz Beer anyone?). And now I realize that there is something else that disappoints me even more about limited release beers: empty bottles of limited release beers are simply empty .

M!dd13m4n’s rating – 4.5 Pints

Tags: Beer Review by Midd13m4n
4 Comments »

Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment.

Kari from San Francisco writes “What is your favorite cartoon?”

Well Kari… First off, thank you for your question. I had not received any new “Ask DaVe” questions in a while and it was refreshing to get a new question. Please keep them coming.

So what is my favorite cartoon… That is a tough question to answer. I’m wondering if you mean recent or old, hand-drawn or CGI animation, movies or television? I’m not sure I can pick just one, but I will try.

When I was a kid, I really loved cartoons. I am a child of the 80’s and there was tons of cartoons to choose from. Twenty five years ago, I used to watch about 3-5 hours of cartoons a day. This is back when cartoons were on after school and Cartoon Network wasn’t even a concept yet.

Old TV Cartoons:
I used to watch Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny (and friends), ThunderCats, Voltron, G-Force and Scooby Doo. They were all amazing in their own way; inspiring hours of imagination goodness that still lasts today. My favorite old cartoon on television is Robotech. I still enjoy this series today (but as an adult, I now realize the dialogue was pretty pathetic).

Old Animated Movies:
I was never a big fan of Disney films, but I have seen my fair share. Old animated movies that I remember include: Transformers: The Movie, Secret of Nihm, The Last Unicorn, The Lord of the Rings (1978) and Heavy Metal. Back in the day, there wasn’t that many studios (other than Disney) producing full length Animated features. My favorite old animated movie is Akira. Rumor has it, Akira is being made into a live-action movie was Leonardo DiCaprio. Could be awesome or a colossal embarrassment.

Recent TV Cartoons:
Most cartoons today really are not gear towards my age-group, but I still find alot of pleasure in watching them. There are plenty of greats aimed at adults: The Simpsons, South Park, Family Guy, Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. Some goods that are geared towards children that I enjoy (yeah, I probably should grow up): Chowder, Phineas and Ferb, Batman, Spiderman, X-Men, Star Wars: The Clone Wars. My Favorite cartoon currently is Avatar: The Last Airbender. The Avatar series is one of the most original and gripping storylines I have seen since I was child.

Recent Animated Movies:
Some animated movies that I have enjoyed recently include: Madagascar 2, Shrek (1-3), Monsters Inc., The Incredibles and Ratatouille. I’ve been hoping some of the Manga / Anime titles would have been better recently, but the best ones would be: Ghost in the Shell, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke and Howl’s Moving Castle. All but Ghost in the Shell really missed the mark in my opinion. Most Anime today is crap. My favorite recent animated movie would be Finding Nemo. I know it is a Disney / Pixar film, but it is a good story and the artwork is amazing. Just keep swimming….

Alright, it is your turn. If you’ve read this far, why not leave a comment and let us know your opinion. What is your favorite cartoon? I want to know…

Tags: Ask DaVe by DaVe
1 Comment »