What are the odds?
Have you ever had one of those days where you ate too much cheese yesterday, and you’ve got some Taco Bell bean burritos (or for those in the Cincinnati area, one too many 3-ways from Skyline) packed in your colon too, and now that big bowl of bran cereal or the day’s second cup of coffee is pushing its way through your lower intestine like a linebacker charging after a quarterback? Look out, Bob Madigan is crowning!!! After racing to the toilet and dropping the bomb, there is the briefest moment of contemplation: What are the odds that it will all go down on the first flush? Clogging a toilet at home, although it is not much of a challenge, makes you feel, in some strange way, proud of your accomplishment. Be it a floater or a pile of sludge-like lava, that is my creation. My fit of gluttony has produced that toilet demon. My Mr. Hankeys ain’t going down without a fight. Of course, there are bonus points if you clog a toilet at work, and double the bonus points for clogging a government toilet, like those at an airport. Those airport toilets can suck down an elephant turd, and the elephant, too. Although, if you are clogging one of those airport toilets, then it is very clear that you have a problem. Either you really need to stop shoving those midgets up your a$$, because this one has finally passed weeks after it has died and begun to decompose, or you finally need to stop eating those 48oz steaks from Doe’s Eat Place in Greenville, MS. My biggest problem is that I graze all day long. Unlike DaVe, I do not eat meat, and so my normal diet is chock full of lots and lots and lots of fiber and other stuff: mountains of whole wheat bread, bags of Cherios, the occasional bit o’ chocolate, cheese galore, enough carrots to turn a rabbit orange, and plenty of fresh fruit, just to name a bit. All that grazing leads to… the toilet. And then it makes me wonder: what are the odds that it will all go down in one flush? Usually pretty good, but I do flirt with about 3 to 1 odds most of the time. I do enjoy my cheese. And those bean burritos are hard to avoid.
That reminds me of college where the stock question on Friday was, “What are my odds that I’m going to hook up this weekend?” DaVe’s answer: “Hundred to one.” Once a geek, always a geek… And people wonder why I drink so much.
Drink more!
Have you ever wondered why animals feel the need to dart in front of you when you are driving? I have explored many possibilities and I am fairly sure I have come up with the real answer. Most animals are trying to become gang members! This is purely a rite of initiation into their respective gangs. Have you ever seen a flock of birds in the sky and there is one lone bird trailing behind. That trailing bird isn’t in the gang. It probably went down like this… “You gotta fly in front of that truck to get in!” The ones that turn back are shunned and the ones that get hit are just not “eligible” to participate anymore.