I have often wondered which would be worse: being a liberal law professor that looks like a short overweight comedian OR being a comedian that looks like an overweight lesbian with no judicial experience?

Patton Oswalt for Supreme Court Justice!!!

I don’t think these labels do anything useful for the consumer; I believe that warning labels solely benefit the manufacture. When you put a warning label on a dangerous product, all it does is provide the manufacturing company the ability to say “we told you it was dangerous, but you used it any ways.” This should be good enough. The “you were warned” defense should be an open and closed court case. Hot coffee burned you, well Duh!!! It’s HOT COFFEE!!! Not Guilty!

I think warning labels serve a distinct purpose. The label does a decent job at educating the consumer of dangerous of things, but that is where it should end. Cigarettes are harmful, but people are still going to smoke. Alcohol is bad, but people are still going to drink. Warning labels should not be used to social engineer society. Labels protect the supplier and inform the consumer.

Here are some warning labels that don’t exist, but should:

WARNING – Bullets come out here! (pointing to a gun barrel)

CAUTION – Eating vegetables may lead to a healthy lifestyle and weight loss.

DANGER- Bachelorette Party Supplies may cause premature impregnation by someone other than intended future husband.

WARNING – Condoms may cause loss of erection.

CAUTION – Computers may cause lack of sleep and pasty skin tone. Aversion to sunlight has been known to occur in some computer users. Tanning beds may counteract skin conditions.

WARNING – Eating too many snack cakes has been known to cause “trouble walking down narrow hallway” syndrome in controlled laboratory test subjects.

DANGER – Marriage can cause a loss of appetite (and we are not talking about food!)

CAUTION – Living within a double-wide trailer may result in lower wages, lower IQ and may attract tornadoes.

ATTENTION – Food goes on tines. Improper use of forks has been known to cause eye damage. Always use ‘the cork’ when inserted into eye.

CAUTION – Trojan Horse may contain Greeks, Feta Cheese and Olives.

DANGER – Eating hot wings may cause fiery rectal fury.

Can you think of any other things that need warnings that have not been invented yet?

How does something like this happen? I blame the music!!! Certain songs seem to automatically raise the arousal level in young teen, but these songs also magically lower their inhibitions and impair their judgment all without the need for alcohol.

Ultimately, for most teenage boys, ANY song can be a song to have sex to. For gods sakes, most of them could screw to the emergency broadcast warning signal… BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! But, It takes certain songs to get girls to ignore the consequences of her actions.

(In no particular order) Here are FupDuckTV’s Top Ten Songs that Ultimately have Lead to Teen Pregnancy:

• Peter Gabriel – “In Your Eyes”
  Ever since John Cusack raised that boom-box over his head, teens have been humping their brains out to this song; condoms be damned.
• John Mayer – “Your Body is A Wonderland”
  If this song worked on Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson, it’ll work on most teenage girls. John Mayer may be a douchebag, but he’s a talented douchebag.
• Boyz II Men – “I’ll Make Love to You”
  This song has been played at high school dances since 1994. High school dances inherently cause arousal, lower inhibitions and raise sexual potency.
• Dan Hill – “Sometimes When We Touch”
  This song makes me want to drive an ice-pick into my ear, but the ladies seem to love it. Go figure…
• Lionel Ritchie & Diana Ross – “Endless Love”
  Great, now I can’t get this damn song out of my head. MAKE IT STOP!!!
• Journey – “Open Arms”
  Let’s be honest about it, you can have sex to almost any Journey song. Their power ballads have been de-pants’ing teens for almost 30 years now. Although, I think Arnel Pineda joining the band is a little to “Rock Star”, that movie with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
• Berlin – “Take My Breath Away”
  This song was featured in Top Gun. More semen has been spilled to this song than all the orgies during the reign of the Roman Emperor, Caligula.
• Sinead O’Connor – “Nothing Compares to You”
  Who would have guessed that this bald-headed, pope-hating activist would write one of the most romantic songs of our generation. Who knew.
• Goo Goo Dolls – “Iris”
  This song was featured in City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage. It doesn’t really have a good beat to hump to, but teen usually find a way.
• Brian Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting for the single – “All for Love”
  This song was featured in Robin Hood with Kevin Costner. Ice-Pick! Ice-Pick! Ice-Pick!
• Christopher Cross – “Sailing”
  This song is single handedly responsible for the majority of child support payments during the 1980’s.

Some notable mentions include: Keith Sweat, “Twisted”; Anything by Enya; The entire Garden State soundtrack; Air Supply, “Even the Nights are Better”; Poison, “Every Rose has its thorn”; “Picture” by Kid Rock and Cheryl Crow.

Parents – educate your teenagers about the dangers of these particular songs. They are going to have sex. Deal with it, BUT these songs are what will lead to unwanted teen pregnancies. Teens, when you do get your grove on, be protected. And for god sakes, Pull-&-Pray is not an effective form of birth control; she’ll just end up sticky and pregnant.

What songs do you think are most responsible for teenage pregnancies?

In 1950, the World Health Organization (WHO) began a full assault on Smallpox in effort to rid the world of the horrible disease. Because of vaccinations world wide and 30 years of diligent hunting of this deadly virus, the WHO declared smallpox to be eradicated in 1980. Hurray for our side! Go team humans!

More recently, the WHO organization has had its sights set on Dracunculiasis, also known as Guinea Worm Disease. For over two decades the world has tried to wipe out the guinea worm and humans are getting close to winning this battle as well. From what I understand, Dracunculiasis is one of the most painful diseases known to man. Guinea worms are ingested in tainted drinking water, grow inside the human body then bore out when they are full grown. Some of these worms can grow to be three feet long and as think as a spagetti noodle.

I was really surprised that some whack-job activist group has not been actively trying to stop the eradication of these different diseases. “Viruses and worms are living things and should be protected and should have rights in court and can’t be harmed and a sanctuary needs to be set up…” It seems that even PETA has its limits. “Don’t eat meat, don’t wear fur! guinea worm? Crush the little fuckers!”

During research for this article, I actually stumbled upon a website devoted to saving the guinea worm from extinction, Save the Guinea Worm Foundation. Thankfully this is a spoof website and damn funny at that.

With smallpox gone and the guinea worms on the ropes, what disease should humans go after next? My vote is Gonorrhea, also known as “The Clap”. Gonorrhea is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) that causes some pretty nasty problems for men and women’s reproductive organs. Although I have never had gonorrhea, nor do I know anyone that has had the disease, it is my understanding that the clap is very treatable. Antibiotics typically stop gonorrhea relatively quickly.

So why not pick AIDS or Cancer to go after next? Yes, those are all worthy adversaries, but The Clap is curable. If we can detect gonorrhea and there is a cure, why do we allow it to keep spreading. You don’t hear of people naturally occuring gonorrhea, you get it from having unprotected sex. You don’t get it from touching an unwashed doorknob. I think the WHO should going after the low hanging fruit.

DaVe: Do you follow a standard process: Sketch -> Scan -> Ink / LineArt -> Color -> Caption? Or do you use a different process? What software do you use to complete your digital art?
David Emerson: I actually usually do my comic completely digitally, but that sums my process up pretty well. I do a quick storyboard or thumbnail of how I want to comic to flow, sketch in more detailed figures, and then do line art over that and then fill in the lines and then shade. The only real difference is that I usually do captioning before I ink it.

I got an old graphire tablet a few years back and started out with that, but never really got good at using it. I picked up a shiny new intous4 not long before I started the comic and have been loving it. I still doodle during classes and lectures and whatnot, but I’ve pretty much been computer-reliant for sketching as well as inking and coloring and texturing and so forth for a while now. I use photoshop almost exclusively for the comic, but I sometimes use illustrator for logos and site work.

DaVe: Do you have a fulltime 9-to-5 or does UnderlingComic.com pay the bills?
David: Oh man, I wish it did. I’m currently working a part time job at a store doing accounting & food prep(and pretty much everything else in the store) in order to pay for college – which is my other major time sink. I also try to take on as many freelance artist jobs and paid character drawings and whatnot as I can, but I wouldn’t make enough off of that to pay for anything if I did it full time right now. I’m trying to catch a good internship right now to help that career path along.

Between that and my video game addiction, I’m still not sure how I manage to put in the six to ten hours for every comic twice a week. I’m the one guy on the internet who actually made a month’s worth of comics for a buffer before launching my site, but that’s fallen down to about a week, now. I hope to make some money off of Underling someday, but I haven’t gotten around to making any products yet, and probably won’t until I have a larger audience and some really good ideas. It’s still a very young comic, after all.

DaVe: Any favorite demon films? (influences on your story)
David:Omen’s a classic, and then there’s Constantine and Hellboy, but most of my influences for this project are other comics and books. Neil Gaiman of American Gods and Sandman and Terry Pratchett of Discworld are probably my two favorite writers around today. I sometimes take bits from Lovecraft and Tolkien too.

Most of my film influences don’t really have anything to do with demons, really. I take a lot from shows like Firefly that have a cast of really interesting characters who completely fail to get along and work together. I love the way they handle storytelling in Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead. I also take a lot from all those cheesy old adventure films like Sinbad, the original Star Wars, and Clash of the Titans.

DaVe: Are you doing any conventions or appearances?
David:Not as a representative of my comic, no. I usually go to San Diego Comic-Con and PAX West for fun. I’ve thought about taking Underling on tour, but I probably won’t until next year or until I’ve made some products or books to sell.

DaVe: Where do you see Lazarus and Lilitu’s adventures heading next?
David:After Laz escapes the desert, I’ll be taking him to all kinds of crazy places. We’ll be seeing some more of Earth, the mesopotamian underworld, the celtic forest, and more over just the next three or four chapters. It won’t be long until he meets Lilitu and the other minions in the flesh, too!

I actually have the comic scripted to the end of the first book, and have it roughly planned all the way to the end, so I’ll try not to spoil anything too much. I will say that we’re almost past all the introductory running and screaming, and I’ll be getting into the meat of the overarching story soon.

DaVe: What made you decide to start your own WebComic?
David Emerson: I’ve been a big comic book fan from the start, and I got into webcomics about eight or so years ago. Started with Penny Arcade and 8-bit Theatre and then moved on to countless more. I’d been kicking around the idea of starting one myself for a long time, but didn’t think I could keep up with a gag-a-day strip and couldn’t piece together a fun and interesting storyline for a longer one. I tried starting a buffer for different comics a few times and just lost direction with the art and writing before giving up and moving on.

It didn’t help that I failed so hard at making myself practice drawing regularly, too. Eventually, in college, I started taking an art course every semester to force myself to draw, and started getting better and building up initiative.

At San Diego Comic-Con last year I bumped into a cool aspiring writer and ended up talking to her about starting up a webcomic together. It didn’t go anywhere, but it did get me thinking about it again. Finally, in August, after I woke up from the con induced coma, all of my inspirations finally added up and the idea for Underling popped up in my head. A few doodles turned into some research turned into a storyline turned into ‘Hey, dude! I got a great idea, could you make me a website?’ Things just sort of kept going from there.

DaVe: Where do you come up with your ideas and story-lines?
David: I’m a big history and mythology geek, and this comic is kind of my vent for that. I’ve always entertained thoughts about what life would be like if all the whack stuff that happened in mythology happened to normal people as a part of everyday life. A lot of religious stories are way crazier(and dirtier!) than the PC, watered down stuff you often learn in schools. For instance, there’s a greek god who ran around clubbing people with his own enormous – well, I probably don’t need to finish that thought.

Um, anyway, pretty much all of my characters are funny or unlikely takes on existing religious and mythological ones. A lot of my story archs are the same way. Since my comic is partially an excuse to make myself draw more, I’ve written some archs just to include characters and scenery that I enjoy drawing.

All of the ideas I get for the jokes and easter eggs and stuff are from watching too much TV, playing too many video games, and bouncing ideas off my friends and cartooning peers, who are all awesome and supportive people.

DaVe: Who are your artistic influences?
David: I have a lot of these. Samwise Didier, of Blizzard fame, is probably my ultimate artistic hero. He’s just incredible at packing loads of style and expression into all things human, animal, and inanimate. Adam Phillips, an accomplished animator, is another big influence. I’ve liked the art from DnD and video game books since I was a kid. I’m sure I’ve read enough traditional comic books over the years to have been influenced by them, too.

I look up to the art from Penny Arcade, Applegeeks, and Three Panel Soul a lot, but I’ve probably learned the most about doing art for webcomics from talking directly to other artists closer to my own skill level and swapping tips and tricks.

DaVe: What other WebComics do you regularly read?
David: Way too many! My favorite gag-a-day strips are Penny Arcade, Sinfest, and Three Panel Soul. Some of the more story based ones I usually keep up on are Order of the Stick, Gunnerkrigg Court, Gastrophobia, and Dawn of Time. I also read some that are a bit harder to categorize like Dresden Codak and Applegeeks. I follow a dozen more regularly and probably a couple dozen more off-and-on, but those are my favorites at the moment.

Since I’ve created my own comic and started bringing it in to the community, I’ve ended up finding a lot of hidden and obscure gems. I read so many comics that it cuts into the time I reserve for making my own!

Check back tomorrow for part 2 of my interview with David Emerson…

Well Paul, I am usually grateful for submitted questions. However to date, this is quite possibly the most revolting question I have ever received. It is the worst because it has forced me to actually consider the answer. *shudder* But, the “Ask DaVe:” credo is “If you ask it; DaVe will answer it!”

Nudity on Stage is nothing new. The Greeks performed many of their comedies and tragedies in the nude. Shakespeare’s Mid Summer Night’s Dream often includes nude tree spirits. The 70’s broadways show Hair had naked actors on stage. There was the movie and Broadway play, The Full Monty. Recently, the play Equus included the Harry Potter star, Daniel Radcliffe, naked on stage. That being the case, masturbation onstage is typically reserved for sex show in the red light district of Amsterdam or San Francisco or anywhere in Japan.

As Reality TV degrades to the lowest common denominator, I wonder how long before this concept is an actually game show. NBC’s latest Prime Time Game Show, “Minute To Win It”, has people performing a series of random stunts in a minute’s time. I would shit myself laughing if I saw Host Guy Fieri say, “Congratulations! You did awesome on that thing with the ping pong balls and pencils. For your next challenge, you have one minute to rub one out. GO!!!”

As I started to consider my answer, I began to wonder ‘what are the parameters of this contract?’ Could I wear a mask? Could I have an assistant? Does anyone in the audience know me personally? Could I use props?

If no one in the audience knew who I was AND I have an attractive woman willingly involved in the “production” (even if she was just watching)… I might do it for free and call it “performance art”. But I’m just Fup Duck.

If there was no hot assistant, but I could wear a mask… maybe $500. I figure stay anonymous and get paid for something I’ll probably end up doing anyways. What the hey!

No mask… just me alone in all my glory… $1,000,000, but there needs to be a sign that says “He’s doing this for a million dollars, please cheer him on.” Hell, at this point film it and bring out Guy Fieri and his two hot models (or Howie Mandel and his 26 hot models). By the way, that is $1 Million after taxes; even naked the government would want to put their hand in my pocket.

If you take away all of the assumptions and just went with the straight question… No mask… No assistant… No sign… No provisions of any kind… $20,000,000. I could easily become a successful hermit with $20 Million.

As disturbing as the original inquiry is, the question of my participation begs a few other questions: who would be willing to pay me to perform self pleasure on stage?; where would you find a captive 500+ person audience that finds amateur masturbation even interesting?; how long would the show last?; Would people applaud and cheer?; could I do eight shows a week?

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

Well Erik, I am glad you asked this question. Typically when you think of tanning, most immediately think women going to the salons. But, I am here to tell you that men go too. Most tanning salons see around a 7 to 3 women to men ratio.

Women start tanning in high school and they just all seem to know what to do. It is like they are born knowing how. I’ve surmised that women share tanning knowledge with each other during their gang-style bathroom runs. Men are usually more laid back and don’t care as much. It is not until they are later in life that men discover they look better with some color in their skin.

Tanning in a bathing suit verse tanning naked is completely up to the individual. Your choice should hinge on a few key factors:

• Are you comfortable being naked at the salon? Some people are worried about peeping toms or hidden cameras. If you are worried about it, keep the clothes on.
• What is your feelings about tan lines? Some people like tan lines, others don’t. If you don’t like tan lines, take it all off.



• Who is going to see you with your clothes off? If your tan body is going to be on display at the beach, plan on tanning in your swimsuit to match up the appearance. If you are only going to be seen by your lovers, maybe you tan au natural.
• Is your tanning bed a stand-up booth or is it the more traditional lay-down tanning bed? Personally I hate the lay-down beds. You are laying on the same surface as all those other clients, even if the $6 / hr girl does “clean” the bed, I’m not sure I want to lay down on that. I wear underwear when in a lay down tanning bed.

Men, If you are going to tan naked you need to protect your valuables. I suggest a sock for package or a Crown Royal bag for more gifted gentlemen. I like to go half and half; cover up for the first half, tan the dong for the second half.

Ultimately, swimsuit, underwear or naked is a personal choice. I have no modesty, so I say tan naked and let it fly. Just remember, don’t burn your best friend or his two buddies. They won’t be happy with you if you do.

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

click for a better view…
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!!

Some men, however, seem to prefer a little ANIME in their partners. And again, by a little, I mean a lot. OK, anime porn is nothing new, and guys were “using” it long before The Bare Naked Ladies came along. But what was once just a creepy niche market inhabited by Xenophile and Fritz the Cat has blossomed into a massive industry that rivals “real live” porn in scale. OK, not really, but it’s still HUGE. Video games, magazines, movies and TV shows. Everything from soft core pulp like Sailor Moon, to scary-core demon snuff screamers like Legend of the Overfiend. Men gobble up boatloads of the stuff – quite literally, since most of it comes from East Asia. And what gets into the US is just the tip of the iceberg.

So maybe I’m old fashioned, or just old, but an obsession with wide-eyed pre-pubescent cartoon girls is a bit disturbing. Understandable, maybe. At least for hormone-tortured teenagers who can get a real girl to come near them. But still disturbing. And, if you’re over 18, its just wrong. I’m mean, cat-girls? Really? Buy a magazine from behind the counter or something. Or watch Spartacus on cable like a real man.

Apparently, however, this whole obsession with anime vixens has gone too far. OK, maybe not in the US, at least not yet – for now splotchy faced American boys are content to watch anime in dark rooms after their parents have gone to bed. But, on the other side of the Pacific, their pasty-skinned brothers are actually marrying their illustrated women. That’s right, marriage. To a cartoon. A real man (well, a male human), a unreal woman. Like Brad Pitt in Cool World, except for real (and possibly, with better acting). I’m not kidding – you can’t make this stuff up. Or at least, if you do, it’s a box office flop.

It all started with Japanese men marrying cartoon characters, mostly the romantic love interests from “dating simulation” games. “Love sims,” which range from cutesy G-rated puppy love stuff to things that might make Ron Jeremy blush, are apparently very popular in Asia. I’ve never heard of one getting ported over to the US (or at least, not very successfully). Popular doesn’t even begin to describe it when people are actually carrying these things from dating on a screen to marrying in the real world. I guess the games are REALLY realistic. Either that or these guys don’t have much experience with real women. Maybe the attraction is a woman that can be played like a video game, complete with cheat codes.

Now some men are taking it to the next level – they’re marrying their pillows. But wait, we aren’t we talking about anime? Yes, we were. And we still are; these “dakimakura” are body pillows with life size images of cartoon girls printed on them. Again, they’re very popular. One thing they are not is realistic – they’re pillow shaped and hard to confuse with real women. I mean, at least on dating sims, if you press enter the game responds (or throws out an error – you know, just like a real woman). On the other hand, a pillow-woman is more “tactile” then a game-girl, and your date doesn’t have to end when the power goes out. But, unless your into women that are fluffier than Gabriel Iglesias, it’s hard to see the attraction.

A quick search of the internet reveals that there are boy versions of these pillows for female anime fans. Yes, apparently lots of women watch anime in other countries, even after puberty. Turns out that there are also cartoon dating sim games for girls. One thing I couldn’t find was any mention of women marrying anime guys. I guess women, even women in countries that produce pillow loving grooms, apparently cannot dive to the same sordid depths as men of the species. Or, at least, they haven’t yet.

For you ladies with the lip fuzz that don’t want to celebrate Mustache March, you have a few options:

• Plucking – I’ve been told this is painful and take alot of time. But from what I’ve seen, the results are pretty good as long as she keeps up with the maintenance.
• Hair Removal Creams – These are not painful, but they stink really bad and they are right under your nose. Deal with the smell and avoid the pain.
• Bleach – This is really just trying to hide the problem. If you are going to try the bleach, color your nether-region too. You man will go wild about the color change and he won’t notice the lip hair.
• Waxing – Probably the most painful, but also the most effective. Waxing is sexy. Don’t just stop with the lip, get the whole kit-n-kabutal done.
• Shaving – HUGE NO-NO for the ladies lip. Save the razor for the pits, the legs and the nether-region. Stubble on a woman’s lip is just WRONG!!!
• Electrolysis & Lasers – I’ve these are pricy and often not very effective. I don’t know too much about these procedures, but guys love lasers. Zap-Zap-Pew-Pew!!!

So ladies, which hair removal method do you prefer?

This photo was sent to me this week. Valentine’s Day has come and gone, but it is never too late to give someone special a Pearl Necklace. $9.99, what a steal! At that price, why not give one to her friend as well.

For those of you that have never grown a mustache before. I suggest you grab a non-permanent marker and try drawing a mustache on your face to see what your end product will look like. Double check that it is not permanent cause that shit don’t come off (I learn this the hard way).

Last year, I grew the most god offal sorry excuse for a mustache. It really looked like my face went on strike. After 31 days I barely had anything to show for it; some stringy fuzz. But I did it and that is what mattered.

Once again, There are a few rules for Mustache March:

1. Do not shave your mustache from Mar 1st thru Mar 31th.
2. If you going to groom your `stache, Make sure you don’t completely remove it. That would be bad.
3. No beards or goatees. This is about the Mustache, not facial hair in general.
4. Don’t let your spouse or significant other talk you out if Mustache March.
5. Be proud of your mustache.
6. Name your mustache.

By the way, my mustache’s name is “The Inspector“.

Some people might ask “what you are doing” or “what is that thing on your face?” You need to be ready for these questions, so I have prepared a few prepared answers to “Why are you growing a Mustache?” Once again, feel free to use any of the following responses:

• My upper lip was cold.
• I have a horrible scar under there.
• My eye brows wanted to have some company.
• I lost a bet.
• I feel more powerful with it.
• It makes me feel more like a man.
• The guys down at the firehouse were making fun of me.
• The part I’m playing in (pick a movie or play) calls for it.
• I am studying to become a Cop.
• The guys at FupDuckTV.com told me too.
• It’s Mustache March, Duh!

Can think of some other responses?

First person to find this place on Google Maps Steetview gets a FupDuckTV.com T-Shirt.
Email your guesses to FupDuckTV [at] Gmail.com.
Contest ends 12 March 2010.

Well Henry, I’m glad you asked this question. I am an expert and have years of experience on this topic. I am regularly the offender and the offended in this situation. I’ve even done some crop dusting in my day.

What I have discovered is most people in a work environment will actually just put up with the rude and offensive smells of their coworkers. Occasionally they will bring this issue to their manager’s attention and then an “uncomfortable exchange” between the manager and the fart usually takes place.

I personally recommend taking a more overt and active response to this situation. Here are some things to try the next time your coworker rips one off:

• Bring to work the cork from a spent champagne bottle. Offer it to them and say “Dude, Seriously…” or “If you don’t, I will!”
• Offer the offender a candle. Tell them to light the end and insert into their anal sphincter. The melting wax will seal in the nastiness and anything that escapes will be burned off by the flame.
• Play Fart-Tennis! One person says “Service” then rips off an audible fart. The opposing player then has 60 seconds to return fire with their own audible fart. You go back and forth until someone cannot produce a sound in the allotted amount of time. The farts have to be audible or they don’t count.
• Spray Lysol directly on the offenders ass. (To be honest, original Lysol smells worse that most farts)
• Guess what you coworker had to eat based on the bouquet of the eruption. For example… “Did you had a rotten grilled cheese sandwich dipped in oyster and butter sauce?” Keep guessing until you get it right (or until they threaten you).
• Return fire and actually fart on the arm or shoulder of the offending coworker. The technique is best if you are standing while they are sitting at a computer. You gotta be quick about it.
• Draw caricature and cartoon pictures of your coworker farting on post-it notes. Attach them to their computer monitor while they are away from their desk.
• Name the farts of your coworker. There are some examples at fartnames.com or you can come up with your own.
• Judge them like they are participating in an Olympic judged competition. Scare them on length , smell and sound of the toot.
• Make an over-the-top reaction. Grab your throat, clutch your chest, gasp for air, fall on the floor and play dead.

Farting is a natural bodily function that occurs to most people about two dozen times a day whether they know it or not. Ultimately, you have three choices – ignore it, get upset about it or have fun with it. The choice is up to you.

How would you handle a farting coworker?

Modern Indian dance is combination of Classical Indian folk dancing with Latino and Arabic influences thrown in for good measure. To me it looks like Broadway dancers on Cocaine and Ecstasy (maybe something from the Hair musical).

The closest thing that mainstream America has come to seeing Bollywood Movies would be last year’s award winning, Slumdog Millionaire. While there was no Bollywood Dancing during the film, the credits ran with a large Bollywood style dance number.

During an alcohol infused discussion, it was determined that American films could use more dancing and singing. There are plenty of American movies that would benefit from Bollywood style dancing. Picture the following American classics with touch of Indian influence:

• I can picture a rather ornate dance number at the end of the film between Butch Cassidy, The Sundance Kid and the entire Bolivian Army. Lotsa singing, Lotsa dancing, Lotsa Bullets…
• What if Linda Blair in The Exorcist had scurried up the wall and danced to Bollywood Music while spitting split-pea soup and screaming obscenities about your mother? I think it still would have been just as scary.
• Apocalypse Now could have used Bollywood Dance scenes throughout the entire film. How cool would it have been if Robert Duvall and the rest of the Air Cavalry broke out dancing to the Flight of the Valkyries? Or better yet, crazed Marlon Brando and his private Cambodian army dancing as Martin Sheen rolls up on his compound.
• I can imagine a delightful dance break during a rather tense chase scene during the original Star Wars. Han Solo and Chewbacca being chased through the death star only to turn the corner and discover dozens of Stormtroopers. Instantly a dance number breaks out with Harrison Ford, seven foot tall Wookiee and 100+ choreographed Stormtroopers.
• Surprisingly, Bollywood dancing can easily be inserted into any film with Vin Diesel or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; very few editing changes and almost zero impact to the plot.

So what movies do you feel would benefit from Bollywood Dancing?

Well Amy, I am glad you asked this question. As enjoyable as the Winter Olympics are to watch, there are many questions that have been brought up about the events. To answer your question… No, Figure Staking is not a sport. Figure Skating is a Judge Competition.

There are some definitive guidelines that will help you determine the difference between a sport and a judged competition:

• A sport is any event that has a score, winning time or winning distance.
• A sport must have quantitative numbers that are not subject to interpretive results or awarded point.

Some people would argue that sports have referees, umpires and judges that can change the score based on their rulings. They do make decisions according to rules, but in sports the officials do not award points; they confirm if a score has occurred based upon the rules.

The Winter Olympic games are categorized into three main categories: (1) ice (2) snow and (3) Nordic events. There are 86 individual events at the 2010 Winter Olympics.

Ice

Luge
Skeleton
Bobsled
Ice Hockey
Figure Skating & Ice Dancing – NOT SPORTS
Speed Skating
Short Track Speed Skating
Curling

Snow

Alpine Skiing
Freestyle Skiing (Aerials, Moguls) – NOT SPORTS
Freestyle Skiing (Ski Cross)
Snowboarding (Halfpipe) – NOT A SPORT
Snowboarding (Parallel Giant Slalom and Snowboard Cross)

Nordic Events

Biathlon (cross-country skiing and target shooting)
Cross-Country Skiing
Ski Jumping
Nordic Combined (ski jumping and cross country skiing)

Most of the games are sports with the exception of Freestyle Skiing (Aerials, Moguls), Snowboarding (Halfpipe), Figure Skating & Ice Dancing. Don’t get me wrong, judged competitions take amazing skill, precision, strength and raw talent. The people that participate are athletic, but in the end they are just performers.

As a side-note, I believe that Luge, Skeleton and Bobsledding should be renamed Sledding, Head-First Sledding and Mechanized Sledding respectively.

So tell us, do you think these are sports? What is your favorite Winter Olympics game?

I personally enjoy the snow. I don’t mind walking in it. I don’t mind driving in it. There are only two things I don’t like about snow: Driving up untreated hills and other drivers that don’t know how to control their cars in snow. If you don’t know how to maneuver on snow covered roads, stay home. And frozen hills just suck!

The local municipalities are doing their best to clear the streets and sidewalks, but they just are behind the eight-ball for this storm. Thankfully, my regular 9-to-5 is located on a large private campus with lots of roads, sidewalls, parking lots and buildings about the size of a small town. Our streets are so clean and dry, you could eat off them.

So how is that possible? How does my company manage to keep everything so neat and clean. Mechanized Snow Removal!!! They use tractors, ATVs, snow blowers and a whole mess of other snow removal equipment.

I would really like to see them step it up to the next level. I am ready to see Japanese cartoon style mecha-robots that use flame-throwers to melt snow instantly. Giant robots will not be used to fight World War III, instead they will be used to plow your streets.

Impopotox

Im·pop·o·tox (im-pop-oh-tok)
-noun

Substance in beverages that makes people act erratically.

Until recently, the existence of Impopotox was unknown, undiscovered and undetectable. Impopotox is found in most beverages, but significant quantities have been found in alcoholic beverages. The effects of Impopotox include erratic behavior, poor life choices, low self-esteem and an insatiable hunger for attention. The effects of Impopotox are especially strong on celebrities and reality TV stars.

An Impopotox abuser unknowingly develops a dependency upon beverages that contain this substance. Scientists have as of yet been able to isolate or determine the chemical make-up of Impopotox. Impopotox is different from alcohol which has a nearly immediate effect; the effects of impopotox build up over time.

There is an underground anarchist movement centered in Los Angeles California seeking to isolate Impopotox into pill form. It is theorized that if Impopotox becomes street available, the entire state of California will fall into the Pacific Ocean; not from an earthquake, but rather from their own cumulative stupidity.

The effects of Impopotox have been able to explain the activities of celebrities such as Robert Downey Jr., Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Nick Nolte, Hugh Grant, Wesley Snipes and Mel Gibson.

Please let us know if you feel that you might be under the effects of Impopotox.

I do not like yogurt. It’s not just the taste and the texture of yogurt that doesn’t agree with me, either. I don’t like the idea of yogurt. Take any container of yogurt and turn it on its side. Emblazoned, like a Surgeon General’s Warning, are the words “contains live cultures”. I pride myself on having tried foods from different countries. In Indian restaurants, I’ve eaten amorphous globules that had names akin to Lovecraft’s Elder Gods. I regularly dine on sushi of all different shapes and sizes. I’ve even enjoyed the occasional dish served in the tartare style. However I simply cannot reconcile the concept of “live cultures” with “good eats”.

I recognize that this is an irrational thought. I’m an avid beer drinker. More to the point, I’m an avid beer brewer, and yeast, a single-cell fungus, is perhaps the most crucial ingredient used in brewing. Yet, somehow, my brain accepts beer where it won’t accept yogurt. Maybe it’s the fact that the yeast in bottled beer is dormant. Most likely it’s because my brain has learned that beer gets it drunk, which is nice. Also, and I’m not joking, I think it’s because beer doesn’t resemble “the Stuff”. Are you familiar with the movie, “The Stuff”? In it, a wildly addictive creamy custard-like dessert turns out to be a sentient creature that feeds by dissolving humans from the inside out. As evidenced by the existence of this essay, the imagery from the film has stuck with me over the years.

Despite my fears that in the end it would be me who gets eaten, I resolved to swap out Star Crunches in exchange for yogurt in my weekly diet. But which one to try? I’ve avoided the stuff (implications intended) for years. With no ideas as to what to buy, I turned to my wife. It turns out her live-culture-laden custard of choice is Activia. “Well, why not?” I thought. After all, she’s been eating it for months and she’s hasn’t died or dissolved into a foamy white mass bent on world domination.

Yet there was one more thing holding me back from accepting the “Activia Challenge”- the commercials. There’s not a dude in a one of them. The more I thought about it, the more confused I became by it. Is it not meant for male consumption? Is the secret ingredient estrogen? Are women the only ones to suffer digestive problems? What gives?

Well, I have it on solid first hand authority that men are indeed affected by digestive irregularities. Every Thursday night, a group of my best buddies gathers at my house for dinner and a few hours of Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, Dungeons and Dragons. . . bite me. Anyways, by the time the evening wraps up, there is such a piquant funk enveloping the gaming table that even my dog has stopped visiting us. It was during one of these male bonding sessions that the answer came to me. You will not see men in an Activia commercial because marketing a product like Activia to guys would be a PR nightmare. Women shy away from their digestive problems. Men revel in them.

Think about it. Every Activia commercial starts out with a group of ladies either lounging around a swimming pool or gathered in a well furnished living room. One of the women then leans over and demurely confides to another that she’s afraid that swimming a few laps or joining in on the scrap-booking will goad her colon into unexpected and premature action (I know that’s not exactly what is said; I’m cutting through the subtext). At that point, Jamie Lee Curtis busts in, like a feminine version of the Kool Aid man, and announces that the ladies need not give up a dip in the pool or imprisoning baby pictures in three-ring binders, for Activia will right all the wrongs in their stomachs. How would such a scene pan out if guys were involved?

(A crowd of men are gathered around a big screen television watching football, or soccer, or hockey, or Top Gear, or the Venture Bros. Empty pizza boxes lay open around them, like spent clams. A guy walks in from offstage, looking slightly flushed yet satisfied.)

1st Man: I just tore it up in your bathroom, dude!
2nd Man: (takes a tentative sniff, then recoils) Oh, snap! Someone grab the matches!

While I imagine that such an advert might become popular with the You Tube crowd, I don’t see it selling much yogurt before getting yanked off the air.

Ok, I might have gone overboard in my depiction of a man’s yogurt commercial. I’m certain that advertising executives would find a way to dance around the realities of such a situation and get their point across. But who would they get for a pitchman? Jamie Lee Curtis got her start in the ‘70’s as a hot, young scream queen, and worked her way up to become a respected actress. These days she’s a mother of two, writing children’s books on the side, and in her fifties she still sounds and looks fabulous. She’s the perfect mixture of every-woman and glamor. Who is the male equivalent? The first name that sprung to mind was John Travolta. After all, his success story starts around the same time as Jamie Lee’s, he’s still a popular star, he has a gorgeous family, and flies jets in his spare time- all very manly and glamorous, indeed. Yet, have you seen him in the trailers for his latest film? I’m sorry, but chubby and bald is not the look I’m aspiring to. Plus, you cannot ignore his Scientology connections, which some people may find dubious. What’s the Church of Scientology’s stance on pro-biotic foods? Best not to take chances.

So, to me, that ruled out Travolta. For the briefest of moments the name Chuck Norris popped in my head. The exercise of imagining Chuck Norris pimping yogurt sent my eyelids into a twitching frenzy that didn’t subside for over 20 minutes. Besides, to partake in the old Internet pastime, Chuck Norris doesn’t get irregular. Chuck Norris inflicts irregularity on his enemies. Then he kills them.

Stymied, I turned to my DVD collection for inspiration. Within moments I had my answer. Kurt Russell. The man is pushing sixty, yet he’s still in great shape and working steadily. Plus, in every interview or DVD commentary I’ve ever heard him in, he’s come across as an affable and down to Earth guy. Besides, I have long held the belief that Kurt Russell never receives the proper recognition he deserves for his contributions to cinema. During the action movie heydays of the ‘80’s and the ‘90’s, whenever the press spoke about action heroes, the same names were always mentioned together: Eastwood, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Van Damme. Where was the love for the man who helped bring characters such as “Snake” Pliskin, R.J. MacReady, and Jack Burton to life? It is high time society gives this man some props. Not that the opportunity to hawk Activia on national television is a just reward, but it would at least make me feel somewhat better about eating it.

However, as I think about it now, I really wonder if even an association with Kurt Russell would be enough for me to be “ok” with consuming yogurt. There is still the matter of the taste I have to contend with. The other day while at the supermarket, I took a look at all the flavors that were available. No matter which brand I focused on, they all seemed to share the same repeating varieties: strawberry, raspberry, blueberry, wild berry, berry berry berry, and vanilla. None of these appeal to my palate. It’s bad enough that I’m allowing yogurt into my diet. It seems unfair that I’m being forced to shoehorn more fruit in, as well.

I feel fairly confident in saying that I’m not the only guy who feels this way, although I only have anecdotal evidence to support my claim. In my Thursday night gaming group, the word “fruit” is regarded with the same scorn as the words “al-Qaeda”, and “Jar Jar Binks”. Why can’t there be yogurt flavors to appeal to those of us with the Y chromosome? I’m not going to be so crass as to suggest that there should be bacon flavored yogurt. I’m sure the amount of sodium required to pull of such a feat would completely nullify all beneficial effects. I see the truth of it.

I have it! Like a ray of light streaming down from the heavens and filtering through a stained glass window to beam insight onto my face, I have the answer! Several months back my friend, Kehn, gave me a pint of ice cream that had been crafted at a local creamery. It was Irish Stout flavored, and it was pure ambrosia. Yogurt is ice-cream’s less attractive cousin, is it not? Why not Guinness Stout yogurt? Surely one of the dairy companies out there must have the foresight and the technology to make it happen, so why haven’t they? What a missed opportunity! If yogurt tasted like Guinness, I would have absolutely no qualms about eating it for breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner. It would be like a gateway drug. Think of the most desperate of alcoholics who begin each day with an oatmeal stout, and fool themselves into thinking it’s ok because it’s oatmeal stout. They’d be compelled to try a Guinness yogurt, at least once.

Sadly, though, no such thing exists. And, when I sit in front of my television, with my tin of sardines and a side of broccoli, I have no male role models to rely on, to tell me that I’m going to be okay if I finish it all off with a carton of creamy bacterium. Yet already the end of January is upon us, and I must get on with my New Year’s resolution. So, I will be eating vanilla flavored Activia. But I sure as hell won’t be happy about it.

This is AWESOME for so many reasons!

The article in question suggested the following seven tips: make the first move, don’t bring up the negative past, accept mutual embarrassment, stay sober, remember the good times, use humor and opening set rules with each other. These points are safe and can make the incident more comfortable to deal with. Read the article and make your own call.

I however feel there should be more to this situation than just playing it safe. From my experience, the minute you recognize an old lover, there are three routes that you immediately can take: Ambivalence (I don’t care what you do), Rekindle (Give it another go) or Disgust (make ‘em suffer). I have a few suggestions and phrases for dealing with an Ex depending on which route you choose:

Ambivalence

Be Self-Absorbed – If you don’t care about this other person, might as well talk about yourself. “I am awesome” or “I just got a promotion at work” or “I’m dating a super model now.”

Make It Short – Don’t hang around. You two obviously split for a reason, so don’t stick around long enough to remember why. “This was fun! I’m going to leave now.” or “I’m late for an appointment. Good to see you.”

Plead Ignorance – Pretend not to know who this person is. I shoddy memory is often your best friend. “Who are you again?” or “I think you have yourself mistaken for someone I knew.”

Rekindle

Thinking Of You – If you are trying to revive an old relationship, always say “Wow, I was just thinking about you the other day“, even if you weren’t. It’s OK to lie in this situation.

What’s My Name – People LOVE to hear their own names spoken aloud. “It’s great to see you, Bob!” or “Julie, how have you been?” This only works if you remember their name.

Contact Info – If you really do want to rekindle this flame, make sure you know how to reach this person. “Do you still live over on 5th Street?” or “I switched cell phones recently; what’s your number now?”

One More Time – Make sure that you don’t let more time slip by before you see this person again. Schedule that next meeting. “Would you like to have dinner with me?” or “I am going out later. Would you like to join me?”

Disgust

Remember The Naughty – Try to remember what this person looked like naked. Bring up what kind of lover they were. Talk openly about it. Make it uncomfortable as possible. “Do you still cuss like a truck driver in bed?” or “You had the best breasts ever!”

Flaws – Point out their imperfections. “Do you still snore really bad? That was really annoying.” or “Did you even get that mole removed from your butt? That thing used to stare at me during sex.”

Their Stuff – Tell this person about all thing you still have of theirs; whether it was given to you or you just didn’t return it. Stolen items are icing on the cake. “I still have your Van Halen jean jacket in my closet.” or “I sold your engagement ring to pay for my new car. You had expensive taste!”

Scare ‘Em – Has that restraining order finally expired? Maybe it is time you remind them why the court order was put in place. Remind them why you broke up in the first place. You don’t ever want that again. Make them think you aren’t stable. “You know, I still have a key to your apartment. I gave you back yours, but I had a copy made. I like to watch you while you are sleeping” or “Our supply closet at work smells like you. I get so turned on now when I see a highlighter” or “I still masturbate to pictures of you“.

Ex’s are just a fact of life. You are in control whether you want it to just go away, want to start it back up or want them to really feel the sting. Sometimes destiny brings you face-to-face again.

How do you deal with an Ex?

Well Amanda, I am glad you asked this question. This is a question that I am highly qualified to answer. Matter of fact, I am overly qualified to answer this. My profession is based on this situation and I regularly am in this predicament

I realize that you can only browse some many back archives of FupDuckTV.com. At some point you will run out of things to read and watch on the internet. So what do you do…

• Exercise – You never seem to have enough time in the morning or evening to exercise, so why not use your captive time to better your health. There are tons of exercises you can do in your cubicle: push-ups, sit-ups, stretching, tricep-dips, ect…
• Take at Walk – Some times you need a change of scenery to break up the day. Instead of going out for a smoke, go out for a walk. Get some fresh air and walk around your building. Take a corker with you and discuss work, that way you won’t feel bad about being away from your desk on the clock.
• Annoy Coworkers – Annoying coworkers can be limitless fun, specially the overly sensitive ones. The secret is start with something small like making an odd noise once every five minutes. Slowly build up the annoying behavior until that person is about to explode with frustration. When you feel they can’t take anymore, move
  on to the next coworker. Oh, the stories you will have to tell.
• Annoy Customers – Customers are the life blood of most business, so why would you want to annoy the source of your income. Well, there are good customers and then there are bad customers. The key is to annoy only the bad customers. You want their money, not their surly attitude.
• Start a Business – When left to your own devices in a slow moving dead-end job, what better way to pass the time than to start your own competing company from within. It is typically highly illegal, but everyone does it. Why should you get paid minimum wage while the fat-cat owners get rich from your hard work.
• Start Rumors – Nothing energizes the work environment like a good scandal. “I hear that the boss is supposedly sleeping with janitor.” As long as you use vague phrases you can’t be charged with a slander lawsuit. For bonus points, spread unbelievable rumors about yourself.
• Start a Work Romance – Nothing passes the day like overactive raging hormones. An inter-office romance is often frowned upon, but 40+ hours with someone can make you do crazy things. The excitement of trying not to get caught will make the day fly right by. Going to the supply closet never felt so good.
• Get Fired - This may sound like a bad idea, but with expanding government unemployment coverage and a high speed home internet connections, you can be surfing the NSFW portions of the web at lightning speed in the comfort of your underwear and bathrobe.

Do you have any other suggestions for ways to combat boredom at the office?

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

Along came Lenscrafters in 1983. Lenscrafters was the eyeglass wear store that provided “glasses in about an hour” at the mall. If you needed glasses, just take in your prescription, pick your frames and BAM! Glasses in about an hour.

Through a logical evolution, Lenscrafters started placing Eye Doctors (Optometrist) right on site and they turned into an combo Eye Care / Eyeglass wear store. No longer did you need to make two different stops.

I was recently walking through my local mall and I noticed a disturbing trend. Many of America’s malls have started to fill their kiosks and storefronts with elective medical procedures locations. I guess this was the next logical progression in the modern retail and service industries.

During a quick stroll around the mall I spotted a Lenscrafters, a Lasik Vision Correction Center, A “well check-up” family doctor, Varicose Veins treatment place, A dental center that specializes in porcelain venire caps and a hair replacement studio for balding men. Almost every one of these “medical” locations accepted all major insurance carriers or were elective procedures that wouldn’t be covered under insurance anyways. Drive-Thru Medicine has arrived in middle America.

This trend got me wondering what we will see next at the mall. It won’t be long before we start to see franchise chain Plastic Surgery clinics at your local mall. These high dollar value, vanity procedures are very profitable. It won’t be long before you can drop your A-cup wife off at ChestCrafters and pick your transformed Double-D wife in about an hour.

Gotta love capitalism!

When two or more of these Last Word People get together is can be nearly impossible to finish a conversation. Here is an example of two Last Word People that got stuck in an infinite conversational loop:

I have to go.
Talk to you later.
Give me a call soon.
Take care.
See ya.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Later.
So long.
Farewell.
Auf Wiederhören.
Good night.
Peace out.
Adios.
Aloha.
You stay classy.
Later, gator!
Live long and prosper.
May the force be with you.
K, Bye.
(REPEAT)

So what can be done?

First of all, you need to make sure you are not a Last Word Person. Only self awareness, focus and practice will break you of this habit. If you are a Last Word Person, you need to say “good bye” then end the conversation. You have made a decision and the conversation is over. Let it go. This will be very difficult at first. You may want to consider a twelve step program for last word addiction.

Secondly, you need to recognize and deal with those that are Last Word People. If you have exchanged more than two final salutations, you probably are dealing with a Last Word Person. Pick the end to your conversation and then walk away, hang up or close the IM window. If they still have something relevant to add, it will come out at this point on the conversation. Don’t be afraid to walk away.

Finally, if you are confronted by people with habitual last word syndrome, you have the option to either just put up with it or you can have some serious fun with them. If you have the time, you can see how long you can stretch out the running salutations. My record is twelve minutes before the other person gave up and left. Another thing you can try, slowly adding longer and longer pauses between your salutation replies. That really messes with their heads. My favorite way to screw with Last Word People… Make up new phrases like, “May your green marble land upright… *click, click, pop* (add sound effects, winks and facial twitches for extra effect.)

Oh, by the way, After ‘while, Crocodile! is the official reply to Later Gator! Following ‘Later Gator’ with ‘Live long and prosper’ is a serious social faux pas’. You’ve been warned.

OK, Bye!

Well Britney, I am glad you asked this question. I have been a night owl watching late night television for over 20 years of my life. I grew up watching Johnny Carson and he still one of the top hosts of all time.

During the summer of 1992, Johnny was retiring and David Letterman was the logical choice to slide into his vacant seat. BUT, things happened and Letterman ended up getting his own show on CBS and Jay Leno took over Johnny position. Say what you will about Jay and Dave, but these two are the fathers of modern late night television.

For most of the 1990’s and 2000’s, I have been a fan of David Letterman. His shows were often repetitive in nature, but they usually made me laugh. I have always favored his interviewing technique; good flow, didn’t refer to his note-cards and generally entertaining.

Leno has always been like nails on a chalk board to me. He comes across as cheesy and vaudevillian in nature. All his jokes need a rim-shot. I’ve never been a fan and when he moved to 10pm, I gave him a chance and he quickly blew it.

I followed Conan O’Brian in the 1990’s but I was not overly entertained by his humor. He was much better when he had Andy Richter on the show as his co-host. The one good thing on Conan’s show… Triumph, the insult comic dog. Triumph was comedy genius (and it wasn’t even Conan’s performance)

Currently my favorite late night talk show host is Craig Ferguson. His humor is hysterical. There are many nights that I laugh until I cry. His whit is razor sharp and he has made a habit of mocking his own production quality. He films on a small set, with a leaky roof, crappy lights (that have been known to fail during filming) and an audience that seats just over 100 people.

So who is your favorite late night talk show host? (Please submit your votes on the blog) If I missed someone, leave a comment and let me know.

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

DaVe: I saw in your blog (Dec 12) that you are experimenting with Flash verse Photoshop CS4 for your digital inking and coloring. Which do you like better? Is animated flash-based comics in your future?
John: At the time, I was using that old tablet, mentioned earlier. So, I was able to get better lines out of Flash than Photoshop. Having the new tablet, I’m doing everything in Photoshop currently.

I may end up playing with Flash again at some time, but, at the moment Photoshop does what I need it to and it’s the tool that most of the big names out there use for their digital inking… I’m sure there’s a reason they stick with it. I graduated college with a degree in animation, but, the majority of my work dealt with 3D animation. I don’t have enough of a grasp of Flash’s animation techniques to definitively say yes, I’ll end up doing something with it anytime soon. Animating takes so long to do it at a level of quality that I’d be forced to pull back from my comic itself to do something with Zombie Roomie cartoons. So, for the time being I’m only going to put time into the comic itself.

DaVe: Do you have a fulltime 9-to-5 or does ZombieRoomie.com pay the bills?
John: Sadly no on both accounts. I’m currently unemployed. That’s another reason I decided to do a webcomic… to do something productive with my time.

Zombie Roomie doesn’t even pay for itself yet. The advertising I have on the site is intended to help pay for the hosting, but, at the moment my traffic isn’t to the point that I’m pulling in the money from it to cover the hosting bill. So, it’s all out of pocket. I’m contemplating adding a donation button to my site to go along with the redesign I’m implementing shortly. Perhaps some kind readers will chip in a little to help offset the costs.

The planned donation page would include non-payment options as well that would help me out. I use the program Dropbox and if people use a link that I share to register, I end up getting more free space out of it. Signing up for two gigs of space from Dropbox is free and I get more space out of it too. That way if someone wants to help out Zombie Roomie without dropping some cash, they can as well.

DaVe: What is your favorite zombie film?
John: If we’re talking serious zombie flicks… It’s either the ‘68 or ‘90 ‘Night of the Living Dead’. Tom Savini’s version from 1990 was one of the earliest zombie flicks that I watched repeatedly. There’s a bit of nostalgia coloring my opinion of that flick.

Comedy zombie flicks… Of course it’d have to be ‘Shaun of the Dead’. That flick is just so great. I’ve watched it at least a dozen times and a few times with the various commentaries on the DVD. The number of inside jokes, references, and what not just add to the hilarity. While ‘Zombieland’ was fun, in my opinion it wasn’t even close to ‘Shaun of the Dead’.

DaVe: Are you doing any conventions or appearances?
John: It’s still far too early for me to attend a convention to sell/promote Zombie Roomie at this time. Any conventions I attend would be as just that, as an attendee. Zombie Roomie is only two months old and while the ‘fans’ I do have, while super awesome, are few in number. I don’t have the audience to warrant the expense of purchasing an artist’s alley table or the likes.

DaVe: Where do you see John and George’s adventures headed after the Christmas story arc?
John: Well, I just ended the Christmas story on Christmas day and I’m settling down before I do another longer story. I’m doing mainly one day strips or maybe a few two day comics for a bit….
I do have a long idea for a storyline that will last for a few months where the guys end up traveling the globe and getting into trouble on a world wide scale.

I wanted to introduce the readers to the characters and world of Zombie Roomie fairly easily at first. That’s why the first few strips are just John and George, then we slowly start introducing some more characters to help flesh out the world. We see that the supernatural world is real and John is forced into witnessing it first hand, just as the readers are introduced to it. When the time is right, I’ll pull the trigger on starting the global adventure and I’m looking forward to it.

I had a wonderful time interviewing John Wigger about Zombie Roomie. Please check out and support his comic. If you know of any other up-in-coming comic artist, please let me know.

DaVe: What made you decide to start your own WebComic?
John: I’ve read Scott Kurtz’s PvP for six years and during that time I graduated from college with a double major in Drawing and Computer Animation along with a minor in Art History.

Around June I started thinking I could do something more with my free time rather than just playing World of Warcraft and thought doing something artistically would be worth my time. I started researching how to actually setup hosting and an archive system (I use ComicPress).

Eventually, come October I was as prepared as I could have been, besides working far enough ahead on a sizable buffer.
A side note, anyone planning on starting there own webcomic always hears to not put up their strips until they have at least a month’s worth of updates in the can… they hear it and disregard it. I was exactly the same. I so wish I had had the restraint to put the brakes on and get a nice buffer of strips ready as there are times I’m busier than I’d like so I have had to spend the entire night before an update getting a strip ready for the morning. So, if there’s anyone reading this that is planning to make their own webcomic. I’ll be another of those voices saying wait until you have as large of a buffer as you possibly can before you start posting. I’ll probably also be one of those voices you tune out as you post your first strip with none in the can. Heh.

DaVe: Where do you come up with your ideas and story-lines?
John: When I was originally playing around with what kind of webcomic to produce I started with a real general idea. It was too general and not focused enough to give me a driving story to produce comics from… it was much more along the lines of a Far Side or something like Kris Straub’s Chainsawsuit.

I had an idea for a gag that involved a zombie and things started funneling into my brain about more zombie based jokes. I started playing around with character designs and various amounts of decomposition and zombie gore. Eventually I landed on just dark/ reversed eyes (black where they’re normally white and white where they’re normally black), lines around his mouth, and of course blue skin.

So, I had the idea for a zombie living with a guy and now I was left with what kind of zombie he’d be. A mindless shambler zombie would have given me maybe five or six strips before I’d have to struggle with ways to have him interact with other characters without just eating them. Definitely giving him a personality and ability to speak was something I would have to do to keep him a viable character.

Also, I have a few good friends from college that I talk with still. One of them has gone above and beyond to help me with ideas, he allows me to bounce stuff off of him, or even send me scripts for strips that he’s come up with. Long story short, I set up this world where a guy lives with a zombie and what kind of zombie he is… I can think of typical roommate issues and give them a zombie spin and work from there. When I want to address something a bit more fantastical than I just go back to the kind of comic I want to produce and the world I’ve set up in notes and discussions with friends and try to fiddle down the idea until it’s something I can work with.

DaVe: Who are your artistic influences?
John: Cartooning-wise Scott Kurtz (www.pvponline.com) and Mike Krahulik (www.penny-arcade.com). I’ve read their comics the longest and I’ve noticed that I have incorporated some stylistic things that they’ve done in my own comic.

The tone and writing for the character interaction has been compared to Kevin Smith. I’ve seen his flicks dozens of times and his ties to the comic fanboy world have pervaded my consciousness enough that I’m sure I’ve picked up on his back and forth enough to crib stuff from him to call him an influence.

DaVe: What other WebComics do you regularly read?
John: Of the big names out there: PvP, Penny Arcade, Chainsawsuit, Evil-Inc, Sheldon and Girls with Slingshots. There are a few lesser known comics that I read too: Edmund Finney’s Quest to Find the Meaning of Life, Unbearable Bears Presents! and 1977 the Comic. Then there’s a handful of other comics I read from time to time but not every single update when they come out.

DaVe: Do you follow a standard process: Sketch -> Scan -> Ink / LineArt -> Color -> Caption? Or do you use a different process?
John: Until recently that was exactly my process.

I had a super old Wacom Graphire 3 and I just could not make it do what I wanted so, I went back to drawing on paper with blue leads (so the pencil lines would drop out in a greyscale scan) and inking before I’d scan it.

For Christmas I received a Wacom Bamboo Fun. It’s much larger than my old tablet and immediately I could work it and receive results much closer to what I could produce on paper. I toyed with the idea of phasing out the paper/scan method as I practiced on the new Bamboo, but, the results I was getting was fairly close to the quality I had been able to get done with the old barbaric paper method.

In the end, I decided that I could just essentially practice on the fly while doing my comic. I’ve seen a marked change in just the two months that Zombie Roomie has been updating in my cartooning… I’m just continuing the experiment.

Check back tomorrow for part 2 of my interview with John Wigger…

Well Amber, I am glad you asked this question. There are some obvious predictions that any idiot can make… Some famous people will die, certain people will be on reality TV series, some country will declare war, violence will happen somewhere and natural disasters will happen. I do have some predictions for 2010 and I would like to share them with all of you:

• The San Diego Chargers will win Super Bowl XLIV.
• Michael Jackson will release at least one new song in 2010.
• Anthropologists researching the ancient Mayan Calendar, will discover that they forgot to carry a number and the world will now end in 2016. Can someone please let John Cusack know so that he can start working on the sequel to 2012.
• At least two of President Obama’s Cabinet Members will step down in 2010.
• Getting voted off the island takes a whole new meaning as Somali pirates will attack the filming Survivor 21. CBS will recieve their highest ratings ever as they continue to film. The Finale will have the remaining three contestants rescued by ninjas.
• The 2010 Winter Olympics will be marred by a nude ski jumper.
• Tiger Woods will return to golf (and mistresses (but he’ll be much better at hiding them))
• The Detroit Tigers will win the 2010 World Series.
• Letter openers will return to popularity.
• Music CD’s will start to be phased out of many retail stores.
• Wide spread computer viruses will be unleashed upon and target Apple Users.
• Facebook will continue to be the #1 social networking website, but a new unreleased social networking site will come on the scene that will quickly steal Facebook market share.
• I will wear a pink sweater (against my will) at some point during 2010.
• FupDuckTV.com will continue to be entertaining and provocative.

Lets check back on Dec 31st 2010 to see how many I got right. Do you have any predictions for 2010?

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

FupDuckTV was started back in January 2008 as a Blog and Video Webcast by DaVe and M!dd13m4n. We’ve done our best to entertain ourselves first, but also our readers and our viewers. We’ve tried to keep our topics entertaining and current. Sometimes we succeed; sometimes we miss the mark.

To date we have had almost 37,000 visitors and over 125,000 pages viewed (this doesn’t include those internet bot spiders that Google, Bing and Yahoo use). Right now, we are averaging over 8000 visitors and 20,000 page views per month. That is amazing!

So far, we’ve not been sued for plagiarism, trademark violations, copyright infringement, slander or libel. That is an accomplishment in itself. We have come really close a few times, but who hasn’t received a cease and desist letter or two in their lives.

Thank you to all of our loyal readers that have been with use since the beginning. Thank you to our new readers as well. If you came upon our blog by accident, thank you too.

Remember to tell your friends about what you saw or read on FupDuckTV.com. You can also be our Facebook friend as well.

We hope year three of FupDuckTV.com will bring some good changes. We are always open to suggestions on how to make our slice of the internet better. Feel free to drop us a line or leave a comment. We want to hear from you.

The TSA has implemented new regulations to prevent such an event from occurring again. Some of these regulations include no standing during flights (hello heart attacks), no one using the restroom an hour before landing (this could be problematic) and nothing covering your lap during the flight (bye-bye in-flight under-blanket handjobs from the hot blonde sitting next to you). I really don’t see these as effective solutions, but I’m sure someone feels safer with these measures in place.

The media has held much debate over should be done to prevent a successful attack from being perpetrated. Most of the discussion has been around new technology to detect the devices prior to getting on the airplane; better metal detectors, better luggage sniffing devices or full body scanners (my doctor doesn’t know me this intimately).

One of the most powerful and effective tools against terrorism is the bomb-sniffing dog. Trained K-9’s regularly sniff luggage for explosives (or illegal drugs). Unfortunately, they tend not to let the dogs sniff the passengers; people get too scared by dogs. I think they need to change this practice. Those dogs should be sniffing everyone’s crotch before a flight.

I have some suggestions on how to improve security on domestic and international travel:

• That TSA agent that checks your ticket and ID with that special blue light before you are even allowed to get into a screening isle should have a bomb sniffing dog sitting right next to him. Make the most effective tool your first line of defense.
• Most airports that I have been to have very long hallways. There is a technology that uses “sniffers” (airborne chemical smelling devices) to scan entire hallways at once. If they detect something, you lockdown the entire hallway and do a more thorough search. Implement chemical smelling hallways.
• Every seat should have parachutes built into them. In the unfortunately event that a bomb does go off, those that survive the explosion will be able to survive the fall from the sky as well.
• I seem to remember reading an article about a body & face-detection software that could infer “malicious intent” from your facial expressions and body language. I think they were using these at Casinos to find cheaters. Put these in-place in airports.
• Pump sleeping gas into the cabin during flights. Only the flight attendants will be allowed to wear gas-masks. Passengers wouldn’t even need to be completely knocked out, just twilighted like for out-patient surgery. New career field: In-Flight Anesthesiologists.



• Fly more privately run airplanes. Corporate airplanes don’t mess with security screening procedures. You just board and go. Widely privatize air travel again an let the airlines protect their own planes with their own measures.
• Require people to fly naked. If you wanna go where we’re going, you gotta follow our rules.
• Make each chair it’s own self contained bombproof receptacle. Basically ship people as freight.
• Bomb Sniffing Tigers!!! If you have a bomb, the tiger mauls you!

So, what do you think? What will it take to make air travel completely safe?

Well, hold up there… not so fast. There are still a few things left to do with Christmas. The lights need to be taken down, the decorations need to be put away and gift giving experience need to be evaluated. It isn’t the end of the holiday until you have reviewed the gifts you gave and received. So as the Christmas season wraps up, we are left to reflect on the remains of the holiday.

So what did you get this year? For me this was one of my better years as far as giving was concerned. Damned be the price tags. If I thought you’d like it, I got it for you. It feels good to give. I’m sure my credit card statement will snap me back to reality in the near future.

I must have been naughty this year cause my stockings were a little bare this year. It was more than a lump of coal, but less than a new puppy. Some socks, some underwear and some trinkets. Without sounding too cliché, I was just happy giving gifts this year.

I learned a long time ago, when you reach a certain age, if you want to be guaranteed a good gift you need to buy it yourself. Most of the really good gifts are more expensive than most of your friends and relatives are willing to spend on you anyways. This way you are never disappointed with the gifts you received.

My father gave quite possibly the funniest, but most spectacularly crappy gift of all times to my mother. As the Christmas gift exchange drew to a close, my mother was left with one final gift. This gift stood out because it was heavy for its size and poorly wrapped (my sister tends to wrap my father’s gifts for him; this one was obviously not wrapped by her). No one had any idea about what was in the gift except for my father who was grinning ear to ear. My mother proceeded to open the present only to begin laughing herself. In side the package was three books… three LIBRARY BOOKS. My father had picked up some books that my mother had asked to be reserved and as a joke he wrapped them as a present. We all laughed until we cried.

Have you ever received a crappy gift? What is the worst gift you received this year (or in past years)?

I received all sorts of cards this year. Some had children sledding down a hill, some cards had Christmas trees and others had winter shapes and designs. Most of the cards I received said Merry Christmas, but a few had Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings. I did not receive any Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Festivus cards this year.

I am not a fan of the Happy Holidays or the Seasons Greetings well wish. Pick a holiday and stand by it. If you celebrate Hanukkah, let me know. If you wanna wish me a happy Ramadan, send that message. The Politically Correct bull shit of a generic greeting really sucks. I’m actually more offended by your attempt to please everyone.

One thing I noticed this year more than past years are printed “year in review” letter inside. “Joanne got married”, “Billy lost is front teeth”, “Susan lost her virginity” and “Linda was arrested for public indecency”. Some people don’t like the family “year in review” letter others think it is a touching way to quickly catch up. I LOVE the “year in review” letter but only on one condition… You must put a hand written one or two line note to personalize the letter. If you don’t put the personal touch on it, why sent it at all to that particular person.

While writing this, I just realized that I have not posted a “FupDuckTV year in review” letter. Check back next week for our year in review article.

Thank you everyone for all the cards you sent this year. Despite what I’ve said in this particular article, all of the cards are all appreciated. I’m still waiting on some Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan and Festivus cards.

Merry Christmas to all of you!!!

This season’s winner was a disappointment. Natalie White from Van Buren ArK, a pharmaceutical sales person, slid her way to the top on someone else’s coattails and then was handed the money because of an impassioned speech given by the final member of the jury to speak, Erik. She is very beautiful, but she was not overly skillful in my opinion.

Russell was rewarded with an additional $100K by the viewers being voted this season’s best player. The man was a Survivor beast. He orchestrated the removal of powerful players early on, he found hidden immunity idols when they had not even give clues out of their existence. His only downfall was his ego. His nanny-nanny-boo-boo attitude cost him $900,000 before taxes. Congratulations Russell, you got my vote.

What some people don’t know is what goes on behind the scenes at Survivor set. Here is a list of some of the things that you might not know about survivor:

• Regardless of when you get kicked off the show, each player does receive a salary for being on the show. Obviously the longer you are on the show the more money you make.
• The players may appear to be alone in the wilderness, but typically there are anywhere from ten to fifty additional people around working cameras, sound, producing, security and medical.
• Prior to the first season of Survivor, there was a test case / pilot group that played the game on the coast of Venezuela. The test group had twelve people. None of them lived, BUT the footage was so compelling, the series was given a go as long as they could guarantee the players actual survival.



• Producers often tip off players to help certain players get further along in the show. Tips and hints are given primarily during the one-on-one confessional interviews when players are pulled aside. Some people are just more interesting than others.
• Despite the appearance of completely roughin’ it, players are provide with certain basic needs that never allowed to be seen or mentioned during the show including toilet paper, tampons, toothbrushes, medical prescriptions (such as heart medication and insulin), condoms and basic cable.
• Players that have been voted off are sent to the “Ponderosa”, a spa like location where they are pampered and de-wormed.
• To date, four players have gotten divorces as a result of being on Survivor.
• Producers often have player re-do challenges to get shots that have been missed during the first go-through.
• The producers have a vault of never aired footage that they keep as insurance (blackmail) against disgruntled players. The secret footage consists of audible farts, dirty jokes, racist jokes, married players flirting with other non-married players, inappropriate touching between players and a significant amount of masturbation. This is Survivor’s dirty little secret.
• Five crew members have died during the filming of Survivor. One was attacked by a crocodile, two from poisonous snakes, one fell off a cliff and one was killed by indigenous tribe members in the area.

I had considered being a contestant on Survivor until I learned about these behind the scene facts. Would you ever want to be a contestant on Survivor?

DaVe: The 1990 movie, Exit to Eden did a horrible job showing the world of professional domination and submission. Who would you rather whip for their shitty performance: Rosie O’Donnell or Dana Delany?
Isabella: I, honestly, didn’t see the movie. It looked a bit sensationalized and I figured it would be cheesy. As a public figure in this community, I have spent the majority of my time trying to portray our scene in a positive light. I can see the humor in it also but sometimes the media’s portrayal is just too silly for me to enjoy. But as for whipping either of these ladies, both could probably use it.

DaVe: You recently appeared in a Pistachio commercial. How were you approached to appear in the ad and what was most enjoyable experience about making that commercial?
Isabella: The commercial was so much fun to make. Everyone on set was totally fascinated by me and what I do but they were all very polite. I cracked the nut on the first take and the whole room exploded in a standing ovation and applause so that was really cool. They thought they were going to have to do several takes and do computer magic to make the point so they were surprised when I could actually do it. We ended wrapping the day early and I acquired a few fans in the process. The funniest thing was, when I read the script, I interpreted the voice over “Dominatrix do it on command” as I could crack a nut with a whip on command, because I am that good but it seems it has been interpreted differently from those who know the scene. Some even took offense to it. I think that is pretty funny. People take things way to seriously sometimes. I mean, this commercial is meant for mainstream. They don’t know the plural to the Dominatrix title or the job description, just the imagery. I think the commercial turned out great and I am very proud to have been a part of it, especially on the verge of my retirement.

DaVe: My website regularly discusses alcohol and doing some crazy things. What is your favorite drink and what is the craziest thing you’ve done while drunk?
Isabella: I’m not a drinker. I will drink socially but I’m a bit of a control freak so I am usually the baby sitter or designated driver for my friends. My favorite drink is Grey Goose and tonic with a squeeze of lime. Or wine is a great alternative.

DaVe: As a professional Dominatrix, you probably have seen AND are asked to do some wild things. What is the wildest thing you’ve seen or have been asked to preform?
Isabella: I was asked to whip a man with a homemade barb wire whip. I refused. Not only is that unsanitary, it’s very uncontrollable. Instead I counseled him on alternative ways to suffer. Like cutting, which is more controlled. I never saw him again so I’m not certain what happened. I’ve also turned down alot of blackmail requests. I really have no interest in bring in people from the outside unless it is consensual and in those scenes, it isn’t consensual and the fantasy is exciting but the reality could be devastating. It’s too uncontrollable also.

DaVe: In your line of work, you probably have many different costumes. Do you have a favorite or lucky pair of underwear or outfits (either professional or personally)?
Isabella: Wow, a question I have never been asked. I don’t. I love all of my things but I don’t have a lucky or favorite anything. Is that rare?

DaVe:Has mainstream media ever got the Dominatrix world right? If so, who has done the best job portraying the scene?
Isabella: I’m not certain about the Dominatrix role right but as far as the mentality of the players and the internal struggles to find yourself, I think “The Secretary” did the best job I’ve ever seen. It had become one of my all time favorites.

DaVe: Is Isabella Sinclaire single? Do you have a dating horror story (current or past)?
Isabella: Isabella Sinclaire is never single or usually not for long. All of my relationships have been long term. I like consistency in my personal life and I have also kept it very separate from the scene. I’ve had so much longevity in the industry because I’ve kept many interests both inside and outside of the community, or at least that’s why I think I’ve been able to keep a good balance in my life.

I want to thank Isabella Sinclaire for her time and great answers to our questions. I found some additional interviews with Isabella from her Pistachio shoot. You can find the YouTube interviews here, here and here. For more photo’s and other information on her website www.IsabellaSinclaire.com. If you are into the whole Dominatrix scene you can check out Isabella Sinclaire’s other websites www.GwenMedia.com and www.dominationonline.com (both NSFW).

Well George, I’m glad you asked this silly question. It is a silly question because belly button lint comes from your belly button… DUH!!! BUT, I am guessing you are wondering about how does lint gets to your belly button in the first place. Well George, I’m glad you implied this unasked question.

First of all, what is lint? Lint particles are the suicidal fibers of depressed fabrics. Belly button lint is just the mass graveyard of dead clothing strands that have lost their will to go on. If you are having belly button lint issues, you may want to consider purchasing some happier clothes.

I bet you didn’t know that there was no belly button lint before the 1906 when the electric washing machine was invented by Alva Fisher. Lint is a byproduct of modern washing machines. The lint trap is the killing floor of your washing machines slaughter house. Prior to 1906, lint was merely a few flakes of fabric that fell off over time. clothes lasted much longer because of the different washing techniques.

Many scientists have theorized that your navel also accumulates lint as a natural instinctive protection for an innie belly button. The outie belly button is the erect penis of the abdomen and doesn’t need as much protection. Most people with outies are unconsciously compelled to be proud of their nudist minuet phallus. People with innies are subconsciously worried about the safety of their belly button and are more likely to fixate on it.

You might be wondering “would a belly button ring help keep lint out?” It would depend on the piercing. Some piercings will act like a hockey stick and defend the umbilicus. Other piercings will only exacerbate the lint sucking blackhole effect.

So, what can you do to keep belly button lint away:

• Again… buy and wear happier clothes.
• Fill your belly button with hot candle wax. Once the wax has cooled, it will act as a protective barrier.
• Duct Tape
• Ants and mice can be trained to regularly sweep the area clean. In both cases, it is a win-win symbiotic relationship.
• Plastic surgery to completely remove your belly button. No belly button = no lint.
• An underpants octopus has been known to eat belly button lint but only if its tentacles can reach the belly button.
• Miniature leaf blower tucked down the front of your pants.
• Utilize a backhoe.

So, what do you do with your belly button lint?

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

1. Cool Christmas light show to the Black Eyed Peas
2. This is on the University of Dayton’s Campus. UD is one of the top party campuses in America.
3. I used to live down the street from this house (a long long time ago)

Unfortunately this is an embedded YouTube video. Many businesses block YouTube videos.

A company the size of Coca-Cola size has got to hold some secrets. The exact formula is considered a tightly guarded industry trade secret. It is widely known that Coca-Cola originally contained cocaine. But what other secrets does Coca-Cola hold in their past and present?

From painstaking journalistic research, I may have discovered many of the secrets that Coca-Cola holds. My sources tell me that allegedly the following details about Coca-Cola may be true:

• Coca-Cola employs a small army of armed guards that defend their world headquarters.
• The Coca-cola world headquarters is actually located three thousand feet under Atlanta GA in a fortified underground bunker.
• In the 1930’s, Coca-Cola sent armed men to fledgling beverage companies that attempted to make beverages similar to their beverage. Coca-Cola now sends lawyers instead (but they too are armed).
• Coca-Cola secretly paid President Calvin Coolidge $1 million dollars to drink Coca-Cola during his inauguration speech in the winter of 1925.
• Products of The Coca-Cola Company are consumed at the rate of more than 1.5 billion drinks per day.
• Every month 30 million drinks are ejected from the nose of a laughing drinker.
• During the Vietnam war, shipments of Coca-Cola sent to Vietnam were laced with a mild experimental sedative to subdue Vietnamese would-be aggression.
• The Coca-Cola syrup is produced in 500,000 gallon batches.
• Each batch of the Coca-Cola syrup calls for one ground fresh water oyster shell and the tails of two ferrets.
• Aside from water, there are only two common ingredients in Coke and Coke Zero.
• Coca-Cola is in the early planning stages of a hostile take-over of Alcoa, the largest North American supplier of Aluminum
• Regular Coke has a negative effect on the potency of Erectile Dysfunction (ED) drugs. Conversely, Diet Coke has a measurable positive effect on ED drugs.

Do you drink Coke?

1. The girl who wanted a Hippopotamus for Christmas? She got her wish. 5 minutes later, the hippopotamus got his wish, and the little girl became another sad statistic of natural selection.
2. All of the other reindeer did eventually let Rudolph play reindeer games. It was during one of those “games” that Rudolph contracted a nasty virus. Now the reindeer still laugh and call him names, and worse, won’t share any reindeer antibiotics with poor Rudolph.
3. The Grinch’s heart did actually grow three sizes that day. Unfortunately, it had more to do with an acute case of dilated cardiomyopathy than with any type of spiritual awakening. The Grinch died from acute heart failure within the week, and all the Whos in Whoville feasted on his bloated corpse on New Year’s Day.
4. In Miracle on 34th Street, Judge Harper did initially rule in favor of Kris Kringle, declaring that he was indeed the one and only Santa Claus. However, two weeks – and a handful of indictments – later, Kringle finds himself before the judge once more, after it’s discovered that his “elves” are nothing more than ten year-old Thai boys slaving away in a North Pole sweatshop.
5. Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul, with a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. He was also made of Christmas “snow” (the kind you snort), which is probably why he was so jolly in the first place.
6. In “Santa Claus is coming to town”, baby Claus is found on their doorstep by the deeply disturbed Kringle elf family. He’s given the name “Kris”, grows up, and begins delivering toys by hand to the most depressing town on earth, “Sombertown”. Unable to cope with the psychological and physical trauma his life entails, and harboring a deep abiding hatred towards children for landing him in prison, Mr. Kringle moves to Milwaukee and changes his last name to “Dahmer”, while forsaking his adopted first name for his middle name “Jeff”. I don’t know the rest of the story, but I’m assuming it has a happy ending.
7. I did see Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe. Unfortunately, Daddy saw her, too. Now I have no mommy and daddy’s serving a life term in a maximum security prison. Thanks, Santa.
8. The Peanuts Gang did eventually come to appreciate Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree, and in the process embrace the true meaning of Christmas, but not in time to save poor Lucy, who was brutally stoned to death by a marauding band of Baptist fundamentalists for the sins of secularizing and over-commercializing the Lord’s birthday. On the bright side, Chuck finally got to kick the football, albeit one made from Lucy’s recently decapitated head.
9. All the little kid wanted for Christmas was his two front teeth. Thanks to Santa, he got them. And thanks to his eventual crystal meth addiction, those were the only two teeth he managed to keep to adulthood.
10. George Bailey’s family and friends may have raised enough money to keep the Building and Loan Association afloat, but nobody could prevent George from taking a header off that bridge once his questionable investments in Fannie Mae Mortgage-Backed Securities came to light. I guess it wasn’t a wonderful life, after all.
11. In hindsight, maybe giving that little misfit Ralphie a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas wasn’t the best idea ever, but that wouldn’t become apparent until twenty years later when the socially disaffected 30 year-old scaled a tower and racked up an impressive body count with his .308 Winchester.
12. Yes, Virginia – there really is a Santa Claus. And he’s a registered sex offender. If only you’d known that before you sat on his lap…

This list was submitted to me by one of our regular readers. I don’t think they wrote this list either, but it is still pretty damn funny.

Well Martin, I am glad you asked this question. This is a topic that I am well versed on. I am a self-proclaimed expert on sideboobs, underboobs and breasts in general. I am the “Breast Oracle” and you have come to the right place.

Women have sometimes been referred to as the fairer sex or weaker gender. I beg to differ. Women have some amazing weapons at their disposal, far more than anything any man brings to the table. A woman’s breasts are just one of her weapon of mass destruction used to render men helpless. It only takes the right glance and a man’s freewill is completely surrendered to her control.

A woman displaying her cleavage as ‘a means to an ends’ has been around and used since even before the time of Cleopatra and Helen of Troy (the tits that launched a thousand ships). Cleavage happens when breasts are squeezed together making them appear larger than they really are (a wonderful technique). Without cleavage, motor-boating wound only be enjoyed on lakes.

Any woman can achieve cleavage with the right bra. Brassiere science in the last 20 years has engineered some amazing advances in cleavage production. Some bra manufacturers claim to increase a woman’s cup size by two full sizes. Even women with little to no chests at all can appear ample with the right bra.

When a woman displays her plumage to attract a suitable mate, sideboob and underboob are significantly more difficult to achieve than traditional cleavage. Sideboob and underboob are the standing back-flip to cleavage’s basic somersault.

When it comes to discussions of breasts, sideboob and underboob are relatively new terms; made popular only within the last ten years. Some of our readers might not know what sideboob and underboob are. Both of these terms describe the portion of a woman’s breasts that are exposed while wearing any particular shirt, bathing suit, dress, lingerie or other article of clothing. Sideboob is the area of the breast from the ribcage to the nipple. The side of the boob… just like it sounds. And likewise, Underboob is the area of the breast from the nipple to just under the breast. The under part of the boob… also just like it sounds.

Both of these bold displays originally appeared at the beach and pool, but are now also showing up everywhere from celebrities red-carpets movie premieres to casual dinners at the Olive Garden. Sideboobs and underboobs take women with confidence because it shows off more than what society traditionally accepts. Also, both displays take a certain sense of adventure; at any given moment a wardrobe malfunction could happen displaying more than she might want to display (this is often referred to as a Nip Slip).

So, which is better… Sideboob or Underboob? I would have to say without a doubt, Underboobs are better! The underboob is something very few women can actually achieve; I’d say less than 1% of women have tried showing the underboob in public.

Unlike cleavage and sideboob, underboob can not be achieved just by wearing the right bra. With underboob, the breasts are dangling naturally out of the bottom of what she is wearing. There is no strap or cup to assist with lift. The slightest imperfection will be on full display if she doesn’t come with the perfect tits.

So, now I want to hear from you. Which do you think is better? Women, have any of you ever been bold enough to try these techniques (even in the privacy of your own home)?

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

Brad and Barry Klinge are the founders of Everyday Paranormal, a paranormal investigation team that travel around the world trying to document evidence of the afterlife. The Klinge Brothers are the Bo and Luke Duke of the Paranormal Investigators. Their personalities are much different than any other paranormal investigators on television today.

So, what is different about Ghost Lab compared to all the other paranomal shows… Everyday Paranormal bring a Good’ol Boy feeling to the paranormal. They are the NASCAR of ghost hunting including there own NASCAR converted car hauler trailer painted up with the show’s logo. They do use some technology and high-tech devices. The Klinge brothers could easily host a deer hunting show if they ever get tired of hunting ghosts.

There are many other shows including Ghost Hunters, Paranormal State, Ghost Adventures, Most Hunted and a few others. My personal favorite is Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel. I find it absolutely hysterical that the Mike Rowe, cable voice over specialist, does the narration for two different paranormal investigation shows; Ghost Lab on Discovery Channel and The Ghost Hunters on SyFy Channel. Maybe he could host a Soup style show that provides a weekly summation of all paranormal shows.

Paranormal investigations shows are rather formulistic in their approach. Take a couple excited believers that have been investigating for a while, some supposedly haunted locations, some technology to capture evidence and at least one hottie to soften the total geek factor. On Ghost Lab, Katie Burr is their television eye candy. She seems to be the only woman on their television team. She’s not the hottest paranormal investigator on television, but she’s not bad.

But how come these shows never find any actual ghosts? I’ve seen shadows and heard voices brought forth as evidence, but I am less than convinced. I am guessing it will take my own experience before I believe.

Do you believe in ghosts? Do you watch paranormal investigation shows?

The image stuck me as surprisingly simple but quite profound in its wisdom. It simplifies modern communication down to ten different succinct forms: Twitter, Facebook status, Facebook message, email, text message, instant message, physical letter (or snail mail), phone, video chat and talking (face-to-face).

I regularly use all of these forms with the exception of video chat and twitter. Twitter just seems stupid to me. It is like blogging, but without any useful content. Video chatting just comes across as creepy. The eye contact is just all wrong with video chatting. The other person just seems to always be staring at the floor or off into space.

*** Click Here to see the full image ***
The original image lacked a few forms of communication. Here are some additional ways to communicate and where they should fit into the list:

0.5 – Graffiti – It is a valid form of communication but it reaches even more people than Twitter.

1.5 – Smoke Signals – Since the invention of the telegraph machine, not many people use smoke. But it is still more intimate and effective than Twitter.

2.5 – Yelling a Crowded Theater - Much like yelling fire in a theater or other large public place, you get your message across, but there isn’t much intimacy in the message.

3.5 – Reply to All emails – Not quite as intimate as the direct email, this digital blast is often misused and can get the sender into some serious hot water.

4.5 – Snoring - This is much more personal than Email, Facebook and Twitter. Not a lot of content gets communicated, but then neither does Facebook and Twitter. It takes a special person to share snoring with. Sometimes snoring is accompanied by mumbling and sleep talking. More intimacy!

5.5 – Flyers Under Wiper Blade – Much like Twitter and Facebook status, Flyers on car windows reach many people at once, but it can open up the opportunity for face to face confrontation. “Hey Asshole! Get your trash off my car! I don’t want to see your band play at Humpers!”

6.5 – Honking – Blasting the horn of your car is an intimate communication between the honker and those who’s attention is being alerted. Honk is sometimes accompanied by and/or responded to with hand gestures.

7.5 – Post-It Notes - More than a letter, less than a phone call. The post-it note is the kiss on the cheek of the memorandum world. Letters can be so long winded at times. The post-it cuts right to the point. “Call Mom!”

8.5 – Phone Sex – You may not know the other person’s real name, but by the end of that fifteen minute conversation, you know what they want and how they like it, all for the low price of $2.99 per minute.

9.5 – Organ Donation – Being an organ donor is one of the most intimate acts people can share. No words need be spoken, but two people instantly become intimate with each other (sometimes even from beyond the grave).

10.5 – Passionate Lamentations – Noises made during one-on-one sex are quite possibly the most intimate communications of all. There is no higher form of intimate communication. “Yes! Yes! Oh Baby! Yes!” (I picked lamentations mainly because I like the word lamentations…. Lamentations… ohhh!)

So, what level of communication are you operating at? Do you feel it is better to always communicate at a higher level of intimacy or are there more situation that a more public style is called for?

For those of you living in a cave without a television, The Amazing Race is a reality television show on CBS where contestants race around the world, completing tasks and try to beat the other teams and finish first. As far as reality shows go, this quite possibly is the least offensive of the genre.

The winning couple was a twenty something dating couple, Meghan and Cheyne. I personally thing that Cheyne looks like an absolute douchebag. What is with his hair? Cheerleading squads don’t use that much hair-product. He has one redeeming quality: his future ex-wife, Meghan. She is pretty damn hot. In the season finale, the camera men did nothing but shoot down her shirt for the extensive cleavage shots. I’m not complaining. Both of them need to figure out how to properly spell their names.

Many times I have considered trying to get on a reality show. The amazing race is actually high on my list of shows I would consider. Maybe the amazing race would help me overcome my fear or foreigners (I can’t even listen to the band, Foreigner).

The big question is who would I take with me? I am pretty sure that I would not choose anyone from my immediate or extended family. I probably would choose to take one of couple people. I would love to sign up either (A) an old high school friend that I have not seen forever, (B) an old ex-girlfriend or (C) an attractive celebrity or model (an attractive stranger).

I think that the Amazing Race should consider doing an all female race around the world. It might dispel a few myths…. such as women don’t have a natural sense of direction, no woman can pack for 3 weeks in one backpack and all women are three drinks away from a bisexual experience. I’d watch that race.

Who would you want to race with if you were ever on the amazing race?

Twit·di·ot (twit dē-ət)
-noun

1. Anyone who can full establish themselves as a moron in 140 characters or less.
2. Anyone that think twitter updates should replace talking face-to-face communication. These are usually socially cleft geeks that over estimate their self-worth and don’t understand personal intimacy.
3. Anyone that has ever tweeted about body functions. (I just pooped)
4. Someone that thinks just because they follow a celebrities tweets, they are the best of friends. (Ashton Kutcher and I are best friends)

The movie is based on the real life heartwarming rags-to-riches story about Michael Oher who currently plays Offensive Tackle for the Baltimore Ravens NFL Football Team. The story finds Michael Oher as a nearly-homeless young teen attending a private high school through unusual circumstances. Michael gets taken in buy an affluent Memphis TN family, the Tuohy’s, and slowly becomes part of their family. The movie is sort of a Big Black Little Orphan Annie with Muscles. Trust me, I’m not giving away the story. The previews do that for you.

Michael Oher is played by Quinton Aaron. His performance was decent, but felt forced at times. Regardless, I think we will continue to see more of Quiton Aaron.

Sandra Bullock plays the strong willed sociality with a big heart, stong sence of responsibility and tough love. I am confident that she will get nominated for an Oscar for her protrailal of Leigh Anne Tuohy, but I don’t think she will win. Television commercials for the film are saying “it is the best performance of [Bullock's] career”. That is like saying she’s the smartest kid on the short bus. I put her acting calabier with that of Hugh Grant (who she has appeared with in Two Week Notice). Mildly funny and can make you laugh, but it won’t change your life. There is one thing I will give Sandra Bullock. She looks very attractive in this film. The high society blonde soccer mom was really working for me.

On Sunday, I saw an interview with Michael Oher talking about his story. He admitted that the screenwriter took some creative liberties with his story. Michael felt the film understated his “football IQ” during his high school years. Sometimes you have to bend the truth for entertainment. After seeing the movie and seeing interviews with the real Michael Ower, he genuanely comes across as a grounded and likeable guy. He currently is the first round draft pick

Overall, The Blind Side is a feel good movie. I don’t think it will be life-changing for anyone, but who knows.