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Paul from Cincinnati OH asks, “How much money would it take for you to stand on stage in front of an audience (500+ people) and spank one out (masturbate to orgasm)?”

Well Paul, I am usually grateful for submitted questions. However to date, this is quite possibly the most revolting question I have ever received. It is the worst because it has forced me to actually consider the answer. *shudder* But, the “Ask DaVe:” credo is “If you ask it; DaVe will answer it!”

Nudity on Stage is nothing new. The Greeks performed many of their comedies and tragedies in the nude. Shakespeare’s Mid Summer Night’s Dream often includes nude tree spirits. The 70’s broadways show Hair had naked actors on stage. There was the movie and Broadway play, The Full Monty. Recently, the play Equus included the Harry Potter star, Daniel Radcliffe, naked on stage. That being the case, masturbation onstage is typically reserved for sex show in the red light district of Amsterdam or San Francisco or anywhere in Japan.

As Reality TV degrades to the lowest common denominator, I wonder how long before this concept is an actually game show. NBC’s latest Prime Time Game Show, “Minute To Win It”, has people performing a series of random stunts in a minute’s time. I would shit myself laughing if I saw Host Guy Fieri say, “Congratulations! You did awesome on that thing with the ping pong balls and pencils. For your next challenge, you have one minute to rub one out. GO!!!”

As I started to consider my answer, I began to wonder ‘what are the parameters of this contract?’ Could I wear a mask? Could I have an assistant? Does anyone in the audience know me personally? Could I use props?

If no one in the audience knew who I was AND I have an attractive woman willingly involved in the “production” (even if she was just watching)… I might do it for free and call it “performance art”. But I’m just Fup Duck.

If there was no hot assistant, but I could wear a mask… maybe $500. I figure stay anonymous and get paid for something I’ll probably end up doing anyways. What the hey!

No mask… just me alone in all my glory… $1,000,000, but there needs to be a sign that says “He’s doing this for a million dollars, please cheer him on.” Hell, at this point film it and bring out Guy Fieri and his two hot models (or Howie Mandel and his 26 hot models). By the way, that is $1 Million after taxes; even naked the government would want to put their hand in my pocket.

If you take away all of the assumptions and just went with the straight question… No mask… No assistant… No sign… No provisions of any kind… $20,000,000. I could easily become a successful hermit with $20 Million.

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As disturbing as the original inquiry is, the question of my participation begs a few other questions: who would be willing to pay me to perform self pleasure on stage?; where would you find a captive 500+ person audience that finds amateur masturbation even interesting?; how long would the show last?; Would people applaud and cheer?; could I do eight shows a week?

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

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Erik from Boston MA asks, “I was thinking of doing a little tanning for my upcoming wedding and honeymoon. I have never been to a tanning salon before. Am I supposed to tan with my underwear on, do I wear a swimsuit or should I tan naked?”

Well Erik, I am glad you asked this question. Typically when you think of tanning, most immediately think women going to the salons. But, I am here to tell you that men go too. Most tanning salons see around a 7 to 3 women to men ratio.

Women start tanning in high school and they just all seem to know what to do. It is like they are born knowing how. I’ve surmised that women share tanning knowledge with each other during their gang-style bathroom runs. Men are usually more laid back and don’t care as much. It is not until they are later in life that men discover they look better with some color in their skin.

Tanning in a bathing suit verse tanning naked is completely up to the individual. Your choice should hinge on a few key factors:

• Are you comfortable being naked at the salon? Some people are worried about peeping toms or hidden cameras. If you are worried about it, keep the clothes on.
• What is your feelings about tan lines? Some people like tan lines, others don’t. If you don’t like tan lines, take it all off.



• Who is going to see you with your clothes off? If your tan body is going to be on display at the beach, plan on tanning in your swimsuit to match up the appearance. If you are only going to be seen by your lovers, maybe you tan au natural.
• Is your tanning bed a stand-up booth or is it the more traditional lay-down tanning bed? Personally I hate the lay-down beds. You are laying on the same surface as all those other clients, even if the $6 / hr girl does “clean” the bed, I’m not sure I want to lay down on that. I wear underwear when in a lay down tanning bed.

Men, If you are going to tan naked you need to protect your valuables. I suggest a sock for package or a Crown Royal bag for more gifted gentlemen. I like to go half and half; cover up for the first half, tan the dong for the second half.

Ultimately, swimsuit, underwear or naked is a personal choice. I have no modesty, so I say tan naked and let it fly. Just remember, don’t burn your best friend or his two buddies. They won’t be happy with you if you do.

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

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Henry from Daven Port, IA asks, “DaVe, I have a coworker that sits next to me that is constantly farting. What should I do?”

Well Henry, I’m glad you asked this question. I am an expert and have years of experience on this topic. I am regularly the offender and the offended in this situation. I’ve even done some crop dusting in my day.

What I have discovered is most people in a work environment will actually just put up with the rude and offensive smells of their coworkers. Occasionally they will bring this issue to their manager’s attention and then an “uncomfortable exchange” between the manager and the fart usually takes place.

I personally recommend taking a more overt and active response to this situation. Here are some things to try the next time your coworker rips one off:

• Bring to work the cork from a spent champagne bottle. Offer it to them and say “Dude, Seriously…” or “If you don’t, I will!”
• Offer the offender a candle. Tell them to light the end and insert into their anal sphincter. The melting wax will seal in the nastiness and anything that escapes will be burned off by the flame.
• Play Fart-Tennis! One person says “Service” then rips off an audible fart. The opposing player then has 60 seconds to return fire with their own audible fart. You go back and forth until someone cannot produce a sound in the allotted amount of time. The farts have to be audible or they don’t count.
• Spray Lysol directly on the offenders ass. (To be honest, original Lysol smells worse that most farts)
• Guess what you coworker had to eat based on the bouquet of the eruption. For example… “Did you had a rotten grilled cheese sandwich dipped in oyster and butter sauce?” Keep guessing until you get it right (or until they threaten you).
• Return fire and actually fart on the arm or shoulder of the offending coworker. The technique is best if you are standing while they are sitting at a computer. You gotta be quick about it.
• Draw caricature and cartoon pictures of your coworker farting on post-it notes. Attach them to their computer monitor while they are away from their desk.
• Name the farts of your coworker. There are some examples at fartnames.com or you can come up with your own.
• Judge them like they are participating in an Olympic judged competition. Scare them on length , smell and sound of the toot.
• Make an over-the-top reaction. Grab your throat, clutch your chest, gasp for air, fall on the floor and play dead.

Farting is a natural bodily function that occurs to most people about two dozen times a day whether they know it or not. Ultimately, you have three choices – ignore it, get upset about it or have fun with it. The choice is up to you.

How would you handle a farting coworker?

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Amy from Bethel IN asks, “DaVe, I have been watching the Winter Olympics and I was wondering is Figure Skating really a sport?”

Well Amy, I am glad you asked this question. As enjoyable as the Winter Olympics are to watch, there are many questions that have been brought up about the events. To answer your question… No, Figure Staking is not a sport. Figure Skating is a Judge Competition.

There are some definitive guidelines that will help you determine the difference between a sport and a judged competition:

• A sport is any event that has a score, winning time or winning distance.
• A sport must have quantitative numbers that are not subject to interpretive results or awarded point.

Some people would argue that sports have referees, umpires and judges that can change the score based on their rulings. They do make decisions according to rules, but in sports the officials do not award points; they confirm if a score has occurred based upon the rules.

The Winter Olympic games are categorized into three main categories: (1) ice (2) snow and (3) Nordic events. There are 86 individual events at the 2010 Winter Olympics.

Ice

Luge
Skeleton
Bobsled
Ice Hockey
Figure Skating & Ice Dancing – NOT SPORTS
Speed Skating
Short Track Speed Skating
Curling

Snow

Alpine Skiing
Freestyle Skiing (Aerials, Moguls) – NOT SPORTS
Freestyle Skiing (Ski Cross)
Snowboarding (Halfpipe) – NOT A SPORT
Snowboarding (Parallel Giant Slalom and Snowboard Cross)

Nordic Events

Biathlon (cross-country skiing and target shooting)
Cross-Country Skiing
Ski Jumping
Nordic Combined (ski jumping and cross country skiing)

Most of the games are sports with the exception of Freestyle Skiing (Aerials, Moguls), Snowboarding (Halfpipe), Figure Skating & Ice Dancing. Don’t get me wrong, judged competitions take amazing skill, precision, strength and raw talent. The people that participate are athletic, but in the end they are just performers.

As a side-note, I believe that Luge, Skeleton and Bobsledding should be renamed Sledding, Head-First Sledding and Mechanized Sledding respectively.

So tell us, do you think these are sports? What is your favorite Winter Olympics game?

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Amanda from Dublin OH asks, “I work in a cubicle and I regularly get bored waiting for my next assignment. What can you do when you are bored at work and you have ran out of internet web sites to look at?”

Well Amanda, I am glad you asked this question. This is a question that I am highly qualified to answer. Matter of fact, I am overly qualified to answer this. My profession is based on this situation and I regularly am in this predicament

I realize that you can only browse some many back archives of FupDuckTV.com. At some point you will run out of things to read and watch on the internet. So what do you do…

• Exercise – You never seem to have enough time in the morning or evening to exercise, so why not use your captive time to better your health. There are tons of exercises you can do in your cubicle: push-ups, sit-ups, stretching, tricep-dips, ect…
• Take at Walk – Some times you need a change of scenery to break up the day. Instead of going out for a smoke, go out for a walk. Get some fresh air and walk around your building. Take a corker with you and discuss work, that way you won’t feel bad about being away from your desk on the clock.
• Annoy Coworkers – Annoying coworkers can be limitless fun, specially the overly sensitive ones. The secret is start with something small like making an odd noise once every five minutes. Slowly build up the annoying behavior until that person is about to explode with frustration. When you feel they can’t take anymore, move
  on to the next coworker. Oh, the stories you will have to tell.
• Annoy Customers – Customers are the life blood of most business, so why would you want to annoy the source of your income. Well, there are good customers and then there are bad customers. The key is to annoy only the bad customers. You want their money, not their surly attitude.
• Start a Business – When left to your own devices in a slow moving dead-end job, what better way to pass the time than to start your own competing company from within. It is typically highly illegal, but everyone does it. Why should you get paid minimum wage while the fat-cat owners get rich from your hard work.
• Start Rumors – Nothing energizes the work environment like a good scandal. “I hear that the boss is supposedly sleeping with janitor.” As long as you use vague phrases you can’t be charged with a slander lawsuit. For bonus points, spread unbelievable rumors about yourself.
• Start a Work Romance – Nothing passes the day like overactive raging hormones. An inter-office romance is often frowned upon, but 40+ hours with someone can make you do crazy things. The excitement of trying not to get caught will make the day fly right by. Going to the supply closet never felt so good.
• Get Fired - This may sound like a bad idea, but with expanding government unemployment coverage and a high speed home internet connections, you can be surfing the NSFW portions of the web at lightning speed in the comfort of your underwear and bathrobe.

Do you have any other suggestions for ways to combat boredom at the office?

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

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Britney from Oakland CA asks, “With all the turmoil going on in late night television, which late night television host is your favorite?”

Well Britney, I am glad you asked this question. I have been a night owl watching late night television for over 20 years of my life. I grew up watching Johnny Carson and he still one of the top hosts of all time.

During the summer of 1992, Johnny was retiring and David Letterman was the logical choice to slide into his vacant seat. BUT, things happened and Letterman ended up getting his own show on CBS and Jay Leno took over Johnny position. Say what you will about Jay and Dave, but these two are the fathers of modern late night television.

For most of the 1990’s and 2000’s, I have been a fan of David Letterman. His shows were often repetitive in nature, but they usually made me laugh. I have always favored his interviewing technique; good flow, didn’t refer to his note-cards and generally entertaining.

Leno has always been like nails on a chalk board to me. He comes across as cheesy and vaudevillian in nature. All his jokes need a rim-shot. I’ve never been a fan and when he moved to 10pm, I gave him a chance and he quickly blew it.

I followed Conan O’Brian in the 1990’s but I was not overly entertained by his humor. He was much better when he had Andy Richter on the show as his co-host. The one good thing on Conan’s show… Triumph, the insult comic dog. Triumph was comedy genius (and it wasn’t even Conan’s performance)

Currently my favorite late night talk show host is Craig Ferguson. His humor is hysterical. There are many nights that I laugh until I cry. His whit is razor sharp and he has made a habit of mocking his own production quality. He films on a small set, with a leaky roof, crappy lights (that have been known to fail during filming) and an audience that seats just over 100 people.

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So who is your favorite late night talk show host? (Please submit your votes on the blog) If I missed someone, leave a comment and let me know.

“Ask DaVe” is an advice and Q&A column for all of our readers. I do my best to answer all of your questions. If you don’t know what to do, if you want my opinion on something, if you want to know something about me, or if you just want to know… please write to me at FupDuckTV[at]gmail[dot]com or leave a comment. As always, include your name and where you are from.

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