FupDuckTV

Have you noticed how many different warning labels there are on things these days? There are warnings on prescription medicine, warnings on your kitchen appliances, warning stickers in your car, there are even warnings on your movies, music and video games. Pretty much everything has some form of warning label.

I don’t think these labels do anything useful for the consumer; I believe that warning labels solely benefit the manufacture. When you put a warning label on a dangerous product, all it does is provide the manufacturing company the ability to say “we told you it was dangerous, but you used it any ways.” This should be good enough. The “you were warned” defense should be an open and closed court case. Hot coffee burned you, well Duh!!! It’s HOT COFFEE!!! Not Guilty!

I think warning labels serve a distinct purpose. The label does a decent job at educating the consumer of dangerous of things, but that is where it should end. Cigarettes are harmful, but people are still going to smoke. Alcohol is bad, but people are still going to drink. Warning labels should not be used to social engineer society. Labels protect the supplier and inform the consumer.

Here are some warning labels that don’t exist, but should:

WARNING – Bullets come out here! (pointing to a gun barrel)

CAUTION – Eating vegetables may lead to a healthy lifestyle and weight loss.

DANGER- Bachelorette Party Supplies may cause premature impregnation by someone other than intended future husband.

WARNING – Condoms may cause loss of erection.

CAUTION – Computers may cause lack of sleep and pasty skin tone. Aversion to sunlight has been known to occur in some computer users. Tanning beds may counteract skin conditions.

WARNING – Eating too many snack cakes has been known to cause “trouble walking down narrow hallway” syndrome in controlled laboratory test subjects.

DANGER – Marriage can cause a loss of appetite (and we are not talking about food!)

CAUTION – Living within a double-wide trailer may result in lower wages, lower IQ and may attract tornadoes.

ATTENTION – Food goes on tines. Improper use of forks has been known to cause eye damage. Always use ‘the cork’ when inserted into eye.

CAUTION – Trojan Horse may contain Greeks, Feta Cheese and Olives.

DANGER – Eating hot wings may cause fiery rectal fury.

Can you think of any other things that need warnings that have not been invented yet?

Tags: Rant by fupducktv
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As most of you know, teenagers are raging balls of overactive hormones. They are influenced by pop culture and whatever else their friends think is cool at the time. They are going out on dates and listening to music, then BLAM-O, they end up pregnant.

How does something like this happen? I blame the music!!! Certain songs seem to automatically raise the arousal level in young teen, but these songs also magically lower their inhibitions and impair their judgment all without the need for alcohol.

Ultimately, for most teenage boys, ANY song can be a song to have sex to. For gods sakes, most of them could screw to the emergency broadcast warning signal… BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! But, It takes certain songs to get girls to ignore the consequences of her actions.

(In no particular order) Here are FupDuckTV’s Top Ten Songs that Ultimately have Lead to Teen Pregnancy:

• Peter Gabriel – “In Your Eyes”
  Ever since John Cusack raised that boom-box over his head, teens have been humping their brains out to this song; condoms be damned.
• John Mayer – “Your Body is A Wonderland”
  If this song worked on Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson, it’ll work on most teenage girls. John Mayer may be a douchebag, but he’s a talented douchebag.
• Boyz II Men – “I’ll Make Love to You”
  This song has been played at high school dances since 1994. High school dances inherently cause arousal, lower inhibitions and raise sexual potency.
• Dan Hill – “Sometimes When We Touch”
  This song makes me want to drive an ice-pick into my ear, but the ladies seem to love it. Go figure…
• Lionel Ritchie & Diana Ross – “Endless Love”
  Great, now I can’t get this damn song out of my head. MAKE IT STOP!!!
• Journey – “Open Arms”
  Let’s be honest about it, you can have sex to almost any Journey song. Their power ballads have been de-pants’ing teens for almost 30 years now. Although, I think Arnel Pineda joining the band is a little to “Rock Star”, that movie with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
• Berlin – “Take My Breath Away”
  This song was featured in Top Gun. More semen has been spilled to this song than all the orgies during the reign of the Roman Emperor, Caligula.
• Sinead O’Connor – “Nothing Compares to You”
  Who would have guessed that this bald-headed, pope-hating activist would write one of the most romantic songs of our generation. Who knew.
• Goo Goo Dolls – “Iris”
  This song was featured in City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage. It doesn’t really have a good beat to hump to, but teen usually find a way.
• Brian Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting for the single – “All for Love”
  This song was featured in Robin Hood with Kevin Costner. Ice-Pick! Ice-Pick! Ice-Pick!
• Christopher Cross – “Sailing”
  This song is single handedly responsible for the majority of child support payments during the 1980’s.

Some notable mentions include: Keith Sweat, “Twisted”; Anything by Enya; The entire Garden State soundtrack; Air Supply, “Even the Nights are Better”; Poison, “Every Rose has its thorn”; “Picture” by Kid Rock and Cheryl Crow.

Parents – educate your teenagers about the dangers of these particular songs. They are going to have sex. Deal with it, BUT these songs are what will lead to unwanted teen pregnancies. Teens, when you do get your grove on, be protected. And for god sakes, Pull-&-Pray is not an effective form of birth control; she’ll just end up sticky and pregnant.

What songs do you think are most responsible for teenage pregnancies?

Tags: Rant by DaVe
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I recently learned that humans are working towards and getting close to eradicating another deadly disease from the planet. Over the course of modern man, there have been a great number of wide spread diseases and plagues that have threatened human life on on a mass scale: Black Plague, Scarlet Fever, Bird Flu and Swine Flu to name a few.

In 1950, the World Health Organization (WHO) began a full assault on Smallpox in effort to rid the world of the horrible disease. Because of vaccinations world wide and 30 years of diligent hunting of this deadly virus, the WHO declared smallpox to be eradicated in 1980. Hurray for our side! Go team humans!

More recently, the WHO organization has had its sights set on Dracunculiasis, also known as Guinea Worm Disease. For over two decades the world has tried to wipe out the guinea worm and humans are getting close to winning this battle as well. From what I understand, Dracunculiasis is one of the most painful diseases known to man. Guinea worms are ingested in tainted drinking water, grow inside the human body then bore out when they are full grown. Some of these worms can grow to be three feet long and as think as a spagetti noodle.

I was really surprised that some whack-job activist group has not been actively trying to stop the eradication of these different diseases. “Viruses and worms are living things and should be protected and should have rights in court and can’t be harmed and a sanctuary needs to be set up…” It seems that even PETA has its limits. “Don’t eat meat, don’t wear fur! guinea worm? Crush the little fuckers!”

During research for this article, I actually stumbled upon a website devoted to saving the guinea worm from extinction, Save the Guinea Worm Foundation. Thankfully this is a spoof website and damn funny at that.

With smallpox gone and the guinea worms on the ropes, what disease should humans go after next? My vote is Gonorrhea, also known as “The Clap”. Gonorrhea is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) that causes some pretty nasty problems for men and women’s reproductive organs. Although I have never had gonorrhea, nor do I know anyone that has had the disease, it is my understanding that the clap is very treatable. Antibiotics typically stop gonorrhea relatively quickly.

So why not pick AIDS or Cancer to go after next? Yes, those are all worthy adversaries, but The Clap is curable. If we can detect gonorrhea and there is a cure, why do we allow it to keep spreading. You don’t hear of people naturally occuring gonorrhea, you get it from having unprotected sex. You don’t get it from touching an unwashed doorknob. I think the WHO should going after the low hanging fruit.

Tags: Rant by DaVe
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Well, Mustache March has once again come and gone. It was a fun year. For those of you that know me personally, you’ll know that my upper lip ended up rather naked. Do to unforeseen circumstances, my mustache needed to be removed much earlier than I would have liked. Despite my situation, I know quite a few people that participated this year. If you want to send in pictures of your stache, we will happily share them with the world.

Tags: Rant by DaVe
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Most men like at least a little animation in their partners. And by a little, I mean a lot. A whole lot. Something just short of a 911 call by the neighbors. Scratch that. Let them call. THAT run in with the cops would give a guy a story he can re-tell until he dies. Something to thrill is daughter’s new in-laws with at the wedding reception. And, with a little luck, a guy might even end up with a Disturbing the Peace violation that he can get framed and hang above his bed. Or carry around in his wallet in case he needs it to liven up Thanksgiving dinner with the grandkids.

Some men, however, seem to prefer a little ANIME in their partners. And again, by a little, I mean a lot. OK, anime porn is nothing new, and guys were “using” it long before The Bare Naked Ladies came along. But what was once just a creepy niche market inhabited by Xenophile and Fritz the Cat has blossomed into a massive industry that rivals “real live” porn in scale. OK, not really, but it’s still HUGE. Video games, magazines, movies and TV shows. Everything from soft core pulp like Sailor Moon, to scary-core demon snuff screamers like Legend of the Overfiend. Men gobble up boatloads of the stuff – quite literally, since most of it comes from East Asia. And what gets into the US is just the tip of the iceberg.

So maybe I’m old fashioned, or just old, but an obsession with wide-eyed pre-pubescent cartoon girls is a bit disturbing. Understandable, maybe. At least for hormone-tortured teenagers who can get a real girl to come near them. But still disturbing. And, if you’re over 18, its just wrong. I’m mean, cat-girls? Really? Buy a magazine from behind the counter or something. Or watch Spartacus on cable like a real man.

Apparently, however, this whole obsession with anime vixens has gone too far. OK, maybe not in the US, at least not yet – for now splotchy faced American boys are content to watch anime in dark rooms after their parents have gone to bed. But, on the other side of the Pacific, their pasty-skinned brothers are actually marrying their illustrated women. That’s right, marriage. To a cartoon. A real man (well, a male human), a unreal woman. Like Brad Pitt in Cool World, except for real (and possibly, with better acting). I’m not kidding – you can’t make this stuff up. Or at least, if you do, it’s a box office flop.

It all started with Japanese men marrying cartoon characters, mostly the romantic love interests from “dating simulation” games. “Love sims,” which range from cutesy G-rated puppy love stuff to things that might make Ron Jeremy blush, are apparently very popular in Asia. I’ve never heard of one getting ported over to the US (or at least, not very successfully). Popular doesn’t even begin to describe it when people are actually carrying these things from dating on a screen to marrying in the real world. I guess the games are REALLY realistic. Either that or these guys don’t have much experience with real women. Maybe the attraction is a woman that can be played like a video game, complete with cheat codes.

Now some men are taking it to the next level – they’re marrying their pillows. But wait, we aren’t we talking about anime? Yes, we were. And we still are; these “dakimakura” are body pillows with life size images of cartoon girls printed on them. Again, they’re very popular. One thing they are not is realistic – they’re pillow shaped and hard to confuse with real women. I mean, at least on dating sims, if you press enter the game responds (or throws out an error – you know, just like a real woman). On the other hand, a pillow-woman is more “tactile” then a game-girl, and your date doesn’t have to end when the power goes out. But, unless your into women that are fluffier than Gabriel Iglesias, it’s hard to see the attraction.

A quick search of the internet reveals that there are boy versions of these pillows for female anime fans. Yes, apparently lots of women watch anime in other countries, even after puberty. Turns out that there are also cartoon dating sim games for girls. One thing I couldn’t find was any mention of women marrying anime guys. I guess women, even women in countries that produce pillow loving grooms, apparently cannot dive to the same sordid depths as men of the species. Or, at least, they haven’t yet.

Tags: Rant by Uncle Matt
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In celebration of Mustache March, we wanted to let ladies know that sometimes women have mustaches too. It really isn’t something that should be celebrated, but we did find a website that highlights Women with Mustaches.

For you ladies with the lip fuzz that don’t want to celebrate Mustache March, you have a few options:

• Plucking – I’ve been told this is painful and take alot of time. But from what I’ve seen, the results are pretty good as long as she keeps up with the maintenance.
• Hair Removal Creams – These are not painful, but they stink really bad and they are right under your nose. Deal with the smell and avoid the pain.
• Bleach – This is really just trying to hide the problem. If you are going to try the bleach, color your nether-region too. You man will go wild about the color change and he won’t notice the lip hair.
• Waxing – Probably the most painful, but also the most effective. Waxing is sexy. Don’t just stop with the lip, get the whole kit-n-kabutal done.
• Shaving – HUGE NO-NO for the ladies lip. Save the razor for the pits, the legs and the nether-region. Stubble on a woman’s lip is just WRONG!!!
• Electrolysis & Lasers – I’ve these are pricy and often not very effective. I don’t know too much about these procedures, but guys love lasers. Zap-Zap-Pew-Pew!!!

So ladies, which hair removal method do you prefer?

Tags: Rant by DaVe
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